De Numero

X: Hanggang kailan ba natin gagawin to?


Y: Hanggang gusto natin. Hanggang masaya tayo. hanggang di nabibisto.


Hanggang kailan nga ba? Hanggang kailan ka kakapit sa isang walang pinagpakuang pangako? Hanggang kailan mo hahayaang masaktan ka? Hanggang kailan mo hahayaang maging huli ka sa prayoridad nya? Hanggang kailan mo hahayaang naka-iskedyul ang kaligayahan mo? Para kang manikang de susi, para kang laruang sasakyang de remote control. Sya ang may hawak ng control, kung kailan nya gusto umandar ka, saka ka lang maliligayahan. Kapag binitawan nya ang remote control dahil napagod na syang maglaro, maiiwan kang nakatengga hanggang sa maisipan nya uli na balikan ka at laruin. Hanggang kailan mo hahayaan ang sarili mong maging palipasan? Palipasan ng panglaw, pagkabagot at kawalan ng opsyon sa mga piling panahon sa buhay nya.


Para saan ang pagtitiis? Para ba sa kakaunting oras na iniaatang nya sayo? Sa kapirasong ngiti na paminsan-minsang kumukurba sa iyong mga labi dahil sa biglaan nyang pagdating, sa biglaang pagpaparamdam, pagbibigay aliw. Kuntento ka na ba dun? Kailan ka tunay na liligaya?


Hindi ka ba napapagod maghintay? Hindi ka ba napapagod sa kakatingin sa labas ng gate ng bahay mo? Umaasa na sa mga susunod na minuto ay matatanglawan mong nasa may tarangkahan mo na sya at binibuksan ang gate papunta sayo. Palagian kang may nakahandang pagkain, baka sakaling dumating sya, may maihahain ka agad sa kanya. Pero mas madalas na lumalamig lamang ang pagkain na inihanda mo, tulad mo, naghihintay lang din.. naghihintay sa wala..


Hanggang kailan pa?

Sino ang In-Case-Of-Emergency Person Mo?

I woke up one day and realized that death is everywhere. Its inevitable. It can take you anytime. I don’t know about the “kung oras mo na, oras mo na” thing. But I do know that we can never be really fully prepared when death comes. It can take us today, tomorrow, next week, next year or we’ll live on till the next decade. We can never say how far we’d go.  What’s sad about it, is when people die and they didn’t get the chance to leave a mark to those people they’ll be leaving behind. I know someone who doesn’t want to be remembered. I asked him before, “how do you wanna be remembered?” He answered without any hesitation at all, “I don’t”. “I don’t want to be remembered by people after Ive passed on.” He said.  At that time, I wasn’t able to understand him, actually, until now, I wasn’t able to understand why he doesn’t wanna be remembered by those people who love him.

Death changes a lot of things.  It changes not just the situation but the people itself. Death changes people from the way they think, the way they see life and the way they feel.  Its funny how death  makes everything  be in a fast forward mode. I remembered when my father died, everything was a blur. I can hardly remember everything that has happened from the moment he died up until the funeral. It all went by so fast. Its like it didn’t really happen at all. It took quite some time before it finally hit me that he wasn’t there anymore. That he wasn’t just away at work, that he will not be stopping by anymore to check on us. No more yelling, no more scolding about asking for money or something. He is simply gone.  And is never coming back. I think it was several months after when that bitter realization sink in. Then the confusion came. I was confused about a lot of things for quite some time. I’ve been holding grudges to someone who wasn’t there anymore. I was looking for some kind of retribution or explanation as to why things are the way they were.  I couldn’t find any. As much as I’m scared of feeling his presence, I was/kept wishing he’d appear right in front of me and do some explaining. I kept expecting for him to just show up and speak. But it never happened. He never came. And I was still confused. I don’t know for how long that confusion went, I still think that until now, there are still things I haven’t let go. It affected the “me” in me.

For the past several months,  there’s been a lot of deaths.. the last one before this one.. has taken its toll on me. It kind of shook me real hard. I kept missing him. I kept thinking and wanting to be with him. The reality that he’s not coming back literally crushes me. I became a bit unstable. Then as I was trying to recover from that.. a call came in..

“Kayo po kasi ma’am ang in-case-of-emergency person sya. Kaya were calling to let you know and to ask for your decision para sa arrangements.”

Kapag maririnig mo yan sa telepono ng alas dos ng madaling araw. Galing ka sa mahimbing na pagkakatulog, disoriented na disoriented ka pa. Anong maiisip mo? It freaked me out. Ano daw? Ako ang nakalista sa incase of emergency nya? Bakit ako? Parang may kung anong bigat yung pag malamang mong in case na may mangyari sa isang tao, ikaw…ikaw ang tatawagan.. desisyon mo ang hihingin, ikaw ang mag-aasikaso, ikaw ang unang makakaramdam ng halo-halong emosyon na kaht kalian ay di mo gugustuhing maramdaman. Ikaw lang.

Pano ka ba magrereak sa panahong ganyan? Kalmado. Dapat dawn a kalmado ka sa tuwing tatanggap ka ng masamang balita. Nakakatuwang pakinggan na “kumalma ka lang”. Kase how can you possibly calm down after receiving that kind of news in the middle of the night? What are you suppose to say? What are you suppose to do? What are you suppose to feel? Expected bang umiyak ka? Necessity bang magkandakumahog ka sa pagpapaliwanag sa ibang tao? Kinakailangan bang bitawan mo lahat ng kung anu mang ginagawa mo ng mga oras na yun para asikasuhin ang isang bagay na ni sa hinagap mo eh hindi mo maiisip na responsibilidad mo?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ang in-case-of-emergency person nya. Ive a few ideas, but I’ll never be able to confirm them. Wala na sya. Hindi na babalik. Iniisip kong sa kabilang buhay ba may memorya pa ba sila ng mga naging buhay nila dito.

Sa totoo lang, ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Ang labo. Masyadong malabo ang dating saken ng kamatayan. BInabago ka nya sometimes in ways na hindi mo gusto, or minsan naman sa paraang hindi mo alam. Higit sa lahat, binabago nito ang pakiramdam mo. Mas lalo na kapag naka-atang sayo ang responsibilidad ng pagdesisyon .

Pagod na ko.

Sa susunod na may fill up-an ako at may tanong na ganun, hindi ko alam kung sino ang ilalagay kong tao sa “In Case Of Emergency, Contact.. blah-blah-blah” ko. Sana may requirement. Sana may panuntunan para mas madali…