Let Me Tell You A Story...

Bata pa lang ako sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na hindi, hinding-hindi ko papayagan na maging second option ako. I told myself, I will never succumbed to borrowing happiness from others. I told myself that if and if I fall in love, it will be with someone who will not make me their second choice.

Si Papa, maraming babae. As in kilala sya ng lahat ng tao as 100% womanizer. Kung tama ang calculations ko, pang apat na pamilya kami. He was married once, Ive met my brothers and sisters from the other three families na nauna sa amin. Two of them kasama pa namin sa bahay as I was growing up.  Matapos sa amin, may mga sumunod pa, tipong “the list goes on and on and on” hanggang sa time of death nya, madami pang nagsulputang mga pamilya. Instant reunion ang nangyari sa libing ng tatay ko.  I grew up na nasa background lang ung pagiging tatay nya. He was never there during Christmas, bihira makapunta sa mga birthdays, father’s day? Anu yun? Sa mga family affairs sa school, walang anino ng tatay ko.  Okay lang, nasanay na rin ako.

Then I met JD. I was in my last year in college, living alone, away from my family. At that time, 3 years ng wala ang tatay ko sa face of the earth, my mom and younger sister decided to moved up North sa hometown ng nanay ko at dun na tuluyang manirahan. As I was already in college, I opted to stay. Ayokong magsimula ng panibago sa isang lugar na kahit kailan hindi ko naimagine na titira ako ng pangmatagalan. Si JD, easily charmed his way into my heart. He's 11 years older than me, doesn’t look his age though. (well most of my x’s were older than me) After just two months ng pagiging kami, he asked me to give up my apartment and move in with him. He was then living alone din. (Dapat lang naman diba? Imagine a 31 yr old guy still living with his parents, asan ang backbone? Lol) And so I did..Then I got pregnant. Dun na nagsimula maging kumplikado ang lahat. Hindi pa pala sya handa. (sabi nya) Dun ko lang din nalaman na, he’s married with one 7-year old kid living in Canada. Its been 7 years dawn a wala silang communication. May nabasa ako na if its more than 7 years, null and void na ung marriage nila. But I wasn’t so sure. Technically, kabit ako. Kahit na 24/7 na ako ang kasama ni JD, kabit pa rin ang labas ko dahil hindi siya sa akin kasal. After giving birth to JM, mas naging mahirap ang sitwasyon. Nagsimula syang maghanap ng #2, #3, #4 (and so on and so forth) na kabit. At dahil sa akin siya umuuwi, ako ang nagfee-feeling legal wife, ako ang nakakaramdam ng pang aagrabyado, ako ang nasasaktan. Took 3 kids, countless times ng pag aalsa balutan at 6 ½ years of living with him bago ko siya tuluyang naiwan. I was hopeful, I was clinging on to something that never was. I was a fool to believe in some fairy tale.

Pagkatapos ni JD, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi na ulit mangyayari na magiging pangalawang option ako. Hindi ko gugustuhing danasin ung pinagdaanan ng nanay ko, I swore to myself that I will never again feel ung mga paghihirap ng kalooban na inaabot ko kay JD.

“Gusto ko lang naman maging Masaya. Hinawakan ko lang naman ung makakapagpasaya sa akin, kasalanan ba yun?”

-          At the expense of others? Kahit alam mong may masasaktan kang iba?

 “Hindi ko kayang bitawan eh. Ayoko pa.”

-          Kahit nasasaktan ka na?  Kahit nahihirapan ka na? Kahit alam mong may nahihirapang iba nang dahil sayo?

When you know or in the situation wherein you are aware na ikaw ang third party, it is really exhausting. Not physically exhausting.Tas too much of the guilt feeling. It is emotionally-painfully exhausting. You hurt not just for yourself but also for those people na nasasagasaan mo in the process of loving, of simply being happy.. It is also exhausting to hate. To hate the person who made you feel the hate feeling. To hate yourself for deciding to do the “wrong” thing, to hate those people who tries/tried to judge you, to hate  the person na nasagasaan mo, to hate the fact that you’re hating. Literal na magulo ang mundo ng taong nanghihiram... magiging attached ka, or hahayaan mong totally ma-attached ka kahit na alam mong eventually you would have to return it back. Kase nga hindi sayo, meaning hindi pwedeng magstay sayo forever.  Darating yung time na kakailanganin mong bumitaw. Kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan, ikaw ang talo.. HIndi ka pwedeng magdemand ng panahon at oras nya, hindi ka pwedeng magfeeling na ikaw lang, kase in the first place hindi naman talaga ikaw, umekstra ka lang. Saling ket-ket ka lang, sooner or later kailangan mo ng mawala sa eksena. Kahit na alam na alam mong ganun ang ending, alam mong masasaktan ka sa bandang huli, still you chose to go through with it, still you decide to take the risk, still you let yourself fall too hard even though you know from the very start na there's no one to catch you incase you really fall. You let yourself jump without making sure there's someone who will jump with you, simply because you cant. You cant make someone thats not yours leap and take the plunge with you. 

***kasalanan ng movie na No Other Woman tong post na to.***