Prayers Answered

Nung bata ako, tinuruan ako na magdasal bago matulog at pag gising sa umaga. Sagrado katoliko ung pamilya ng nanay ko. Kapag umuuwi ako sa probinsya tuwing bakasyon, andyan ang angelus ng 12nn at 6pm. Ang Saturday evening at Sunday mass. Hindi pa kasama ang mga novenas. Walking distance lang kase ang simbahan sa bahay ng mga lola ko sa province. At dahil sa mga lolas ang kasama ko sa bahay, wala akong choice kundi ang sumunod. Sa bahay, sa totoong bahay naming kasama ang magulang ko, hindi gaano napapansin ang mga angelus at novenas pero inoobliga ako ng nanay ko na amgsimba tuwing lingo at magdasal bago matulog. Mga dasal ko? Nung batang-bata ako, the usual na angel of guard, my guardian dear… nung elementary years, naglevel up sa Our Father, Hail Marys and Glory Bes ang mga dasal ko. Lahat ng pinasukan kong school mula preschool hanggang college puro Catholic schools. Tinuturuan ng iba’t-ibang klase ng dasal para sa iba’t-ibang klase ng sitwasyon. One form of prayer and praising God daw ang singing praises. And since mahilig ako sa musika, I was into glee club mula elementary and highschool. Natututo ng iba’t-ibang mga awit tungkol sa Diyos. College, nawala ako sa choir/glee club, nagbago ang interest, hindi na rin ako nagsisimba tuwing lingo. I was away from my family nung college years kaya wala ng mangungulit or magagalit kapag hindi nakakasimba. Walang nagsesermon sa tuwing makakalimot magdasal paggising sa umaga. I was living my life the way I think it should be and the way I thought I wanted it to be. Living without prayers, living without faith. Naalala ko after college, nakakapagsimba na lang ako kapag nakakaattend ng kasal, binyag at kung anu-ano pa na may church activity/involvement. Kapag nakakasimba, I wasn’t really paying attention. Ligawin ang isip ko, maligalig.

At some point, I was aware that I stopped believing.  I started “sinning” (meron nga bang salitang ganyan?) I started lying, not to other people but to myself. Confused? No. Crazy? Definitely hindi. So, what the hell happened? What was the reason? IDK. I just knew and felt that I don’t have the capacity to believe in something I haven’t seen. I don’t have the ability to put my trust into my own faith. Faith. What is Faith? Ang alam ko lang na faith eh pangalan to ng classmate ko dati. Si Faith na matalino, mabait, friendly. Larawan ng isang mabuting Kristiyano. (lol) But seriously, What is Faith? I could go on and list several meanings of faith pero it wouldn’t mean that much kase alam naman nating lahat na ginugel ko lang ang ibig sabihin nun. But if you would ask me, to define it in my own words depending on my belief, then you wouldn’t be able to get any answer from me. Wala akong mabibigay na sagot dahil wala akong pinaniniwalaan.

Do I believe in God? Yes and No. Don’t try to ask me why cos I wouldn’t answer. Do I still pray? If you mean the traditional Our Fathers and others, NO, I don’t. Pero ung simpleng pakikipagusap ng isipan ko sa kung sino mang Higher Forces, then YES, I still pray. Maraming nagsasabi or nakapagsabi na sa akin na kaya daw nagkakandaleche-leche ang buhay ko (mga mismong salitang ginamit nila lol) is because I lack faith. Salat daw ako sa paniniwala/pananalig sa Kanya. Kaya daw hindi ako pinagpapala. No offense sa mga taong relihiyosong tunay. Hindi ang simpleng dasal ang sagot sa lahat ng problema sa mundo. Sa dami ng mga nagsisimba at nagdadasal araw-araw, sa Pilipinas pa lang, bakit hanggang ngayon baluktot pa rin ang sistema ng bansa? Sa dinami-dami ng mga nagdadasal, bakit marami pa ring mga batang palaboy, walang bahay, walang makain, walang kinabukasan?

Gusto ko ng malaking bahay, magarang kotse, magandang trabaho. Magdadasal ako. Bukas ba pag gising ko, meron na lahat ng gusto ko? Gusto kong maging Masaya, ipagdadasal ko na bukas magiging Masaya na ko. Naniniwala ako! I have faith in my faith. I have faith in my prayers. Pag gising ko bukas, kusang lalapit si happiness at happily ever after na ko.  Gusto ko ng bagong cellphone, magdadasal ako. Does it work that way? Does faith work that way? Sabi nila you just have to believe, you just have to have faith and everything will be as it should be. Ano ba ang dapat?

I know I’ve lost my faith. Faith in what? I don’t know. I’ve yet to discover. But losing faith doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life. I am living mine right now…. Its just funny kase with the way I live it, it doesn’t seem as if I’m really living it.. magulo? Hindi naman. For some, siguro malabo tong sinasabi ko. I’m just sayin… ano nga ba ang point ko? Faith isn’t something na tinutulak sa atin. Hindi ito isang bagay na ipinapabili sa atin sa tindahan para magamit natin. Its something that we get out of the life were living. 

I’m just glad I wasn’t named Faith by my parents, otherwise, magiging isa akong mantsa sa mga mabubuting taong pinangalanang Faith….

Random Me

CHEESY
- I'm a cheese person. Any food that has cheese in it, di ko palalagpasin.  Hindi ako madaling maumay sa macheese na food, sa taong ma-cheesy, dun ako nauumay. (Pero minsan cheesy din ako ahihihihi)


3 SETS
- Dito sa bahay, I always have 3 sets of sanitary napkins na  nakastock. (1) without wings, ginagamit ko lang pag nasa bahay ako - daytime. (2) with wings, ginagamit ko pag umaalis ako ng bahay, kapag lakad or something. (3) all nightie, pang gabi lang, ginagamit ko to kapag tulugan na.


NOVEMBER 1
- Nung sa Souther Tagalog Region pa kami nakatira, tuwing November 1, umuuwi kami ng Cavite City not just to visit the deadssss but the livingsss as well. Hindi kami nagpupunta sa sementeryo ng daytime, laging sa gabi, iwas bilad sa araw. Sa gabi, jampacked ang cemetery kase nga dun naglalabasan ang mga tao instead na sa araw.  Tatambay kami ng mga ilang oraS dun habang nakikichika ang mga oldies sa mga kapwa mga oldies, kami namang mga bagets (hindi ko na maalala kung sino ung mga nakakasama ko nung time na un) umiikot-ikot sa mga puntod at nangunguha ng mga melted candles at iniipon, binibilog at binebenta. After ng tambay sa cemetery, sa peryaan naman ang sugod namin, we usually stay until 1AM, pagkatapos nun uuwi na.
- Kapag naman hindi kami nakakauwi, sa bahay lang kami. Magluluto ng kung anu-anong kakanin. Naalala ko fave ko nun ang suman.. ung kamoteng kahoy na suman. Pero hindi kami gumagawa nun. Nanghihingi kami sa binibigyan kami ng kapitbahay namin. Usually ung mga may gata-gata something ang niluluto sa bahay. Tas from October 31- November 2, nagtitirik kami ng kandila at nagrorosaryo kami, isa sa morning at isa sa evening, feeling ko nun ang banal-banal ko.


MIRROR
- Hindi ako makapagbrush ng teeth ng hindi nakaharap sa salamin, parang iba ung pakiramdam, hindi komportable, may kulang. Pero kaya kong maglagay ng eyeliner ng walang salamin.. "de-feel" lang.


UTENSILS
- Meron akong paboritong spoon and fork na ginagamit kapag nasa bahay ako. As in ikinaiirita ko ng sobra kapag kainan na at makita kong wala dun ung spoon and fork na gusto ko dahil nasa hugasan at may gumamit na iba.
- Ayokong gumagamit ng plastic na baso. Hindi naman sa choosy ako. Kung nasa ibang lugar ako at yun lang ang pwedeng gamitin, ginagamit ko ng maluwag sa kalooban ko at walang bahid ng pag-iinarte ang nagaganap. Pero kung nasa bahay din lang ako, hindi ako gumagamit nun. Ayoko lang. Tapos.


PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
- Dati, may virtue pa ko sa lahat ng bagay, ngayon, napipili na lang. Pasensyosa akong nilalang. Dati, it takes a lot of effort para makainisan ko ang isang bagay, tao, hayop, lugar o pangyayari. Ngayon, text pa lang inis na inis na ko. Ngayon, text pa lang nauubos na ang pasensya ko.


VANITY
- Vain ako. (Pero hindi naman sobra di tulad nung gustong palabasin ng ibang tao dyan) Matagal ako maligo, dati mga isang oras ako sa banyo, nung may nagreklamo na friend ko kase madalas akong ma-late sa mga usapan at lakaran, nireduce ko sa 45minutes. When I had my tattoo, nareduce ko sya sa 20minutes. Ngayon nakakaligo na ko ng 15minutes na lang (pero hindi ako kumbinsido sa ligo-pato style na yun) Paminsan-minsan nakakaligo ako ng 5minutes. *eye roll*


CLOTHES
- Inaabot ako ng kung ilang minuto sa pagdedecide kung ano ang isusuot ko. Magbubukas ako ng closet ng 10AM, titigan ang mga damit ng ilang minuto, 10:15, nakatitig pa rin, 10:20 may hawak ng damit, nailabas na, 10:30 bibitawan sa kama may makikita ulit na damit na ilalabas, 10:35 may panibagong damit na ilalabas, 10:40 may mas magandang makikita at ilalabas. 10:50 finally! nakapili na ng isusuot, hitsura ng kama parang dinaanan ng bagyo, ang closet hinalukay ng sobra. DESTINATION? Sa market, mamamalengke =))


LISTS
- Mahilig ako sa mga lists. Pag mamalengke, bago umalis ng bahay gumagawa ako ng listahan ng dapat bilhin kapag nasa labas na ko, wala na yung listahan ko di ko na makita. Mga to-do lists sa bahay, matapos kong isulat, ididikit ko sa may pintuan ng kwarto, pag gising ko kinabukasan, makita ko, tatamarin ako.. "bukas na lang". Mga to-do lists sa buhay. Sa sampung to-do lists ko, 2 lang ang natatapos at nakukumpleto ko. Hmmmm makagawa nga ng listahan ng bibigyan ko ng regalo sa pasko hihihihi...

Walang koneksyon ang photo sa post o saken. Nakita ko lang bigla sa isang tumblr post, nakyutan ako kaya nilagay ko dito, i don't wanna flood my FB kaya dito na lang. (explanation much!)

One Summer Shower Part 2

It was a beautiful day outside. A clear sunny day with large white clouds formed in the sky. The perfect hot summer. The right amount of humidity made every scene slow and kind of sensual. Daryl sat at a small round table, his usual spot, with just the right parcel of sunlight at The Bay. Traffic whizzed by while lunch people went about their strolling. The sun felt really charming.

Life was incredibly good. And he knew it. He had everything he want. A beautiful and supportive wife who is also successful in her own business venture.  He had it all, a city he loved, a new novel. Daryl’s a writer. Everything felt good and much better now that his novel’s slowly blossoming, his characters were all coming to life.

“You know one of these days you’ll get sick and tired being married to a starving writer and you’ll say ‘I’m done! I’ve had enough.’ And will just walk out.” He had watched her face serenely as she shook her head and let out a sheepish smile in the warm sunlight four summer years ago. “You don’t look like you’re starving to me.” Smiled some more and lightly brushed her lips on his lips. “I love you, Daryl.” “You’re crazy! But I love you too.”  It had been a really bumpy summer for him. He hadn’t made a single cent with his writing in eight months. “Why am I crazy? Because I respect your kind of work? Because I think you’re a good husband even if you don’t work in some multi-million-billion company? So what? Who gives a damn about that shit? Do you? Do you miss it so much or are you just gonna use it to make things difficult for yourself for the rest of your life?”  There was a slight tinge of bitterness in her voice, mixed with anger.  “Why can’t you just enjoy what you are? Feel good about yourself and what you can do. A writer and a good one. You know sometimes its not all about the money. We don’t starve. We have more than enough. I’m happy and contented and I love you. Although sometimes you make me feel so mad.” A smile began to warm her face again as he leaned over and kissed her. She ran a finger slowly up the inside of his thigh, watching her with that quiet smile of hers, and it tingled all over.

He still remembered it. Perfectly.

Thinking of her made him smile as he watched people at the other tables. If Lizzie had been here they would’ve been laughing right now. She’d definitely be wearing something outrageous. Something that will make people look at her and be intrigued. Something that will make her more interesting. Thinking of her like that drew his attention to the woman in the straw hat a few tables away. He hadn’t seen her before. And he thought she was definitely worth seeing. On a hot sunny afternoon having consumed two bottles of beer which is just his limit to himself when out drinking alone, he could barely see her face.

She had slender arms and pretty hands with no ring. Meaning, single? Maybe. He watched her as she sip her drink through a straw. He felt a familiar tingle as he thought of his wife and watched the girl in that hat. It was a damn shame Lizzie wasn’t home. It was a day to go to the beach, and swim, and sweat and get covered with sand and rub your hands all over each other. The way the woman in the straw hat sensually moved her lips on the straw in her drink bothered him. It made him want Lizzie. Now.

To be continued…

One Summer Shower

She just stood there and so did he, until a broad smile began to take over his face. He looked like a tall, shy schoolboy, watching her and grinning, his eyes damp but no more so than her own. It was crazy—half a block of lawn between them and neither of them moved…she had to.. she came here to see him, to talk to him, not just stand there and gape at him and look like a total idiot. She walked slowly along the walkway, and he began to walk towards her too, the smile plastered on his face becoming wider and wider, and then suddenly, finally, at last, she was in his arms. It was Daryl. The Daryl she knew. It smelled like Daryl. It felt like Daryl, her chin fit in the same place on his shoulder. She was home.

“What happened? You look like a dork who haven’t combed in centuries.”

“I didn’t bother trying to look good, I came immediately so you could save me from this horrible mess I’m in.” She was having a hard time fighting back tears , but so was he, and still their smiles were like bright sunshine in a summer shower.

“Lizzie, you’re crazy.” He held her tightly and she laughed.

“I think I must be.” She was clinging to him tightly. He felt so damn good. She put a hand on his head and felt the silk of his hair. She would have known it blindfolded in a room full of men. It was Daryl. “God, you feel good.” She pulled away from him just to look at him. He looked fabulous. Skinny, a little tired, a little burnt and totally overwhelmed. There is a look of contentment in his face. A vision of peace. He pulled her close again and nestled her head on his shoulder.

“I couldn’t believe it when you started writing, I’d given up hope.”

She felt bad suddenly for the long months of silence, now looking at his face, she could see how much they must have hurt him. He held her at arm’s length and looked her over. He didn’t want to let her go. He was afraid she’d vanish again. He wanted to hold on to her, to make sure she was real. And back. And his. But maybe….maybe she had only come back to visit…to say hello…or say goodbye…His eyes suddenly showed the pain of what he was thinking, and Lizzie wondered what was on his mind. But she didn’t know what to say. Not yet.

And then the words began to rush out. She couldn’t hold back anymore. The dam had finally given way.

“Daryl, I love you. It’s all so lousy without you.” It sounded so corny, but that was what she had come to tell him. She was sure of it now. She knew what she wanted. And now it was a question of want more than need. She still needed him., but differently. Now she knew how much she wanted him.

To be continued..

Left and Right Options

Wala ng ibang option eh. Wala na kong ibang choices. Wala na., Last resort. It's either I go left or I go right. 







......ang hilig nating tumingin sa kaliwa at kanan lang.. ang hilig nating isipin na wala ng ibang pwedeng tingnan kundi kaliwa at kanan.. eh pwede naman ung north-south-west-east ang gamitin ko... pwede pa nga ang mga northwest-southeast... ang point? Sa bawat pangyayari, palaging may mga options, hindi tayo mauubusan ng mga options na pwede nating piliin. Maraming pwedeng maging options kung pipiliin nating magkaron....

Yung Akala Mo Yun Na Yun

Yung akala mo okay ka, hindi pa naman pala.


Yung akala mo ayos na lahat kase lumalabas ka, tumatawa ka, nakikipaginuman ka, sumasama-sama ka na sa iba, yun pala hindi naman.


Yung akala mo okay ka na kase ngayon hindi ka masyadong nag-iisip at nalulungkot, pero pag dumilim at at tumahimik na ang paligid, bigla kang aatakehin ng lumbay, hindi eh.. hindi ka pa okay.


Yung akala mo ayos ka na kase tipong looking forward ka sa mga lakad na magaganap sa mga susunod na araw/linggo/buwan, pero at the end of the day, iniisip mo pa rin na sana ganito-ganyan..


Yung mga moments na akala mo maayos at "matino" ka na kase ung ibang mga bagay na ginagawa mo nung mga panahong hindi ka ayos eh nagagawa mo na ulit, pero hindi mo naman pala sila ginagawa dahil gusto mo, ginagawa mo lang "just to let time pass", ginagawa mo lang para mapunan ung napakahabang empty spaces in between sa pang araw-araw na buhay mo.


Yung pag-aakala mo na kaya mong lokohin ang sarili mo sa pagpe-pretend na ayos ka lang, na kaya mo, na tapos na, na naka "move on" ka na (when there is no such thing as moving on only moving forward), yung sa sarili mo mismo alam mo na nagsisinungaling ka...


Yun, yun eh! Sampal sa katinuan mo! Panggising sa karuwagan mo na harapin kung ano man ung mga bagay na iniiwasan mo kaya ka nag-aakala...


FYI.. hindi ako yan.. ruma-random lang mula sa sala-salabat na kwento ng mga tao sa paligid. (defensive much?!) 

Random 02

• Third day ko na ng pagkain ng iba't-ibang klase ng pasta. One more day and magmumuka na kong noodle house I swear
• Sabi nung co-parent ko sa school kanina, "hala! buntis na naman ako!" it took me several seconds to reply, kase nalito ako whether to answer, "ah talaga? wow naman" or "hmm ganun? pano yan?" then I realized hindi naman kami close, tas feeling ko naghahanap lang sya ng mapapagsabihan, masabi lang ba, so I answered  "uy, another blessing! ayos yan."
• Had brunch with an old friend. (ex manliligaw actually)
• I might be having friends from Manila over the weekend (MpJin)
• May mga taong ginagawang teleserye yung buhay ko. Masyado silang nag eenjoy na subaybayan ang ang mga pangyayari saken. Para silang balita sa GMA 7, nakatutok 24 oras. Nakakaloka. 
• "Alam mo wala kang karapatang sabihing hindi ako masaya, hindi mo naman kase alam ang pakiramdam ng pagiging masaya ko, hindi mo rin alam kung anong ikinasasaya ko, iba't-iba ang ibig sabihin ng masaya para sa iba't-ibang tao, kaya kung wala kang magandang sasabihin na makakadagdag sa ikagaganda ng ekonomiya ng Pilipinas, I suggest you just keep your thoughts to yourself, S.T.F.U.!" (hindi ako galet)
• Unti-unti ng nabubuo ang Sagada plans.. Im soooo heksaytment! may mga bagong makakasama sa sagada trip. ahihihihi mas ang heksaytment level! Yey!
• I hate cross stitch. Isa sa pinakanakakatamad na gawain. Nung highschool pinagproject kame nyan, pinagawa ko sa iba =))
• I fall a little harder everytime we talk.