Ikaw At Ang Tren

Sa istasyon ng tren. Lahat nasa anyo ng pagmamadali, mapa-umaga, hapon o gabi. Everybody's rushing.. Everyone's moving. Moving fast. You're left behind. Naupo ka sa upuang itinalaga para sa mga naghihintay ng tren. Naubos ang mga tao, umandar na palayo ang tren, naiwan ka.. nag-iisa. Nagdatingan na naman ang mga tao, different set of people na maghihintay kasama mo sa susunod na tren.. dumarami sila, nagmamadali. Tingin ng tingin sa relo, nagpapaypay, nagpupunas ng pawis. Lahat aligaga sa paghihintay sa pagdating ng sasakyang magsasalba sa kanila sa pagka-late sa kung saan mang lakad nila. Dumating ang tren. Nagsipagsakayan ang mga tao. Sumarado ang pinto. Umandar ulit ang tren. Naiwan ka na naman. Tumayo ka mula sa kinauupuan mo. Tumingin sa paligid. Tinitigan ang digital clock ng istasyon ng tren. Naisip mo maaga pa.  May oras pa. 


Anong hinihintay mo?


Ang susunod na tren. Yung maluwag. 


Walang dadaang tren na maluwag. Nasa gitnang istasyon ka sa buong ruta. Inaasahan mong may darating na sobra ang luwag na makakaupo ka? Nag-aaksaya ka ng oras. Ilang daang tao ang sumasakay ng tren araw-araw. Lahat me kanya-lanyang lakad, lahat me kanya-kanyang agam-agam sa buhay. Pero hindi ibig sabihin na lahat ng mga taong sumasakay sa tren eh katulad mong me hinihintay.


Hindi tren ang hinihintay mo. Pupusta ko ang buhay ko. Hindi ang pagdating ng isang tren na maluwag ang hinihintay mo. Mauubos ang oras sa buong maghapon sa pag-upo sa istasyon, sa pagmamasid sa mga taong nagkakandarapa sa paghabol sa tren, sa pagtingin sa digital clock, sa pagbibilang ng kung ilang taong nakacheckered na polo ang ang daraan sa harapan... magiging hapon ang umaga hanggang sa umabot sa gabi, pero hindi darating ang hinihintay mo.


Nasubukan mo na bang tanungin sa sarili mo kung ano o sino talaga ang hinihintay mo? Napag-isipan mo na kung may halaga ba ang paghihintay na ginagawa mo? Nagmumukha ka ng tanga, wala ka namang napapala. Subukan mong mag-apply na empleyado sa train station na tinatambayan mo, mag janitor ka! Ikaw ang magbukas at magsarado ng gate ng MRT/LRT.  Posibleng gawin mo yan pero pupusta pa rin ako na HINDI darating ang hinihintay mo.


Bakit?


Dahil naghihintay ka sa WALA....

Ilang tren na ba ang lumagpas sayo? Ilang tren na ang hinayaan mong lagpasan ka? Pinatigil ba ng digital clock sa istasyon ng tren ang mundo mo?


Subukan mo minsang tumayo at makipagsiksikan papasok sa loob ng tren. Subukan mong pausarin ang mundo mo. Wag mong hayaang habang buhay kang maghintay sa isang bagay na walang posibilidad na mangyari. What are the chances that you'll end up having what you want? Nil. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Walk away. Mag jeep ka na lang..  :)






***larawan mula kay Google***

There Goes My Baby

You can get tired. You can stop for a while to rest, to have your much needed break. But you can never stop completely. You're not allowed to quit. You're not allowed to give up. You've signed up for a lifetime role. You cannot let go. You can never walk away.

Let Me Tell You A Story...

Bata pa lang ako sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na hindi, hinding-hindi ko papayagan na maging second option ako. I told myself, I will never succumbed to borrowing happiness from others. I told myself that if and if I fall in love, it will be with someone who will not make me their second choice.

Si Papa, maraming babae. As in kilala sya ng lahat ng tao as 100% womanizer. Kung tama ang calculations ko, pang apat na pamilya kami. He was married once, Ive met my brothers and sisters from the other three families na nauna sa amin. Two of them kasama pa namin sa bahay as I was growing up.  Matapos sa amin, may mga sumunod pa, tipong “the list goes on and on and on” hanggang sa time of death nya, madami pang nagsulputang mga pamilya. Instant reunion ang nangyari sa libing ng tatay ko.  I grew up na nasa background lang ung pagiging tatay nya. He was never there during Christmas, bihira makapunta sa mga birthdays, father’s day? Anu yun? Sa mga family affairs sa school, walang anino ng tatay ko.  Okay lang, nasanay na rin ako.

Then I met JD. I was in my last year in college, living alone, away from my family. At that time, 3 years ng wala ang tatay ko sa face of the earth, my mom and younger sister decided to moved up North sa hometown ng nanay ko at dun na tuluyang manirahan. As I was already in college, I opted to stay. Ayokong magsimula ng panibago sa isang lugar na kahit kailan hindi ko naimagine na titira ako ng pangmatagalan. Si JD, easily charmed his way into my heart. He's 11 years older than me, doesn’t look his age though. (well most of my x’s were older than me) After just two months ng pagiging kami, he asked me to give up my apartment and move in with him. He was then living alone din. (Dapat lang naman diba? Imagine a 31 yr old guy still living with his parents, asan ang backbone? Lol) And so I did..Then I got pregnant. Dun na nagsimula maging kumplikado ang lahat. Hindi pa pala sya handa. (sabi nya) Dun ko lang din nalaman na, he’s married with one 7-year old kid living in Canada. Its been 7 years dawn a wala silang communication. May nabasa ako na if its more than 7 years, null and void na ung marriage nila. But I wasn’t so sure. Technically, kabit ako. Kahit na 24/7 na ako ang kasama ni JD, kabit pa rin ang labas ko dahil hindi siya sa akin kasal. After giving birth to JM, mas naging mahirap ang sitwasyon. Nagsimula syang maghanap ng #2, #3, #4 (and so on and so forth) na kabit. At dahil sa akin siya umuuwi, ako ang nagfee-feeling legal wife, ako ang nakakaramdam ng pang aagrabyado, ako ang nasasaktan. Took 3 kids, countless times ng pag aalsa balutan at 6 ½ years of living with him bago ko siya tuluyang naiwan. I was hopeful, I was clinging on to something that never was. I was a fool to believe in some fairy tale.

Pagkatapos ni JD, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi na ulit mangyayari na magiging pangalawang option ako. Hindi ko gugustuhing danasin ung pinagdaanan ng nanay ko, I swore to myself that I will never again feel ung mga paghihirap ng kalooban na inaabot ko kay JD.

“Gusto ko lang naman maging Masaya. Hinawakan ko lang naman ung makakapagpasaya sa akin, kasalanan ba yun?”

-          At the expense of others? Kahit alam mong may masasaktan kang iba?

 “Hindi ko kayang bitawan eh. Ayoko pa.”

-          Kahit nasasaktan ka na?  Kahit nahihirapan ka na? Kahit alam mong may nahihirapang iba nang dahil sayo?

When you know or in the situation wherein you are aware na ikaw ang third party, it is really exhausting. Not physically exhausting.Tas too much of the guilt feeling. It is emotionally-painfully exhausting. You hurt not just for yourself but also for those people na nasasagasaan mo in the process of loving, of simply being happy.. It is also exhausting to hate. To hate the person who made you feel the hate feeling. To hate yourself for deciding to do the “wrong” thing, to hate those people who tries/tried to judge you, to hate  the person na nasagasaan mo, to hate the fact that you’re hating. Literal na magulo ang mundo ng taong nanghihiram... magiging attached ka, or hahayaan mong totally ma-attached ka kahit na alam mong eventually you would have to return it back. Kase nga hindi sayo, meaning hindi pwedeng magstay sayo forever.  Darating yung time na kakailanganin mong bumitaw. Kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan, ikaw ang talo.. HIndi ka pwedeng magdemand ng panahon at oras nya, hindi ka pwedeng magfeeling na ikaw lang, kase in the first place hindi naman talaga ikaw, umekstra ka lang. Saling ket-ket ka lang, sooner or later kailangan mo ng mawala sa eksena. Kahit na alam na alam mong ganun ang ending, alam mong masasaktan ka sa bandang huli, still you chose to go through with it, still you decide to take the risk, still you let yourself fall too hard even though you know from the very start na there's no one to catch you incase you really fall. You let yourself jump without making sure there's someone who will jump with you, simply because you cant. You cant make someone thats not yours leap and take the plunge with you. 

***kasalanan ng movie na No Other Woman tong post na to.***

Prayers Answered

Nung bata ako, tinuruan ako na magdasal bago matulog at pag gising sa umaga. Sagrado katoliko ung pamilya ng nanay ko. Kapag umuuwi ako sa probinsya tuwing bakasyon, andyan ang angelus ng 12nn at 6pm. Ang Saturday evening at Sunday mass. Hindi pa kasama ang mga novenas. Walking distance lang kase ang simbahan sa bahay ng mga lola ko sa province. At dahil sa mga lolas ang kasama ko sa bahay, wala akong choice kundi ang sumunod. Sa bahay, sa totoong bahay naming kasama ang magulang ko, hindi gaano napapansin ang mga angelus at novenas pero inoobliga ako ng nanay ko na amgsimba tuwing lingo at magdasal bago matulog. Mga dasal ko? Nung batang-bata ako, the usual na angel of guard, my guardian dear… nung elementary years, naglevel up sa Our Father, Hail Marys and Glory Bes ang mga dasal ko. Lahat ng pinasukan kong school mula preschool hanggang college puro Catholic schools. Tinuturuan ng iba’t-ibang klase ng dasal para sa iba’t-ibang klase ng sitwasyon. One form of prayer and praising God daw ang singing praises. And since mahilig ako sa musika, I was into glee club mula elementary and highschool. Natututo ng iba’t-ibang mga awit tungkol sa Diyos. College, nawala ako sa choir/glee club, nagbago ang interest, hindi na rin ako nagsisimba tuwing lingo. I was away from my family nung college years kaya wala ng mangungulit or magagalit kapag hindi nakakasimba. Walang nagsesermon sa tuwing makakalimot magdasal paggising sa umaga. I was living my life the way I think it should be and the way I thought I wanted it to be. Living without prayers, living without faith. Naalala ko after college, nakakapagsimba na lang ako kapag nakakaattend ng kasal, binyag at kung anu-ano pa na may church activity/involvement. Kapag nakakasimba, I wasn’t really paying attention. Ligawin ang isip ko, maligalig.

At some point, I was aware that I stopped believing.  I started “sinning” (meron nga bang salitang ganyan?) I started lying, not to other people but to myself. Confused? No. Crazy? Definitely hindi. So, what the hell happened? What was the reason? IDK. I just knew and felt that I don’t have the capacity to believe in something I haven’t seen. I don’t have the ability to put my trust into my own faith. Faith. What is Faith? Ang alam ko lang na faith eh pangalan to ng classmate ko dati. Si Faith na matalino, mabait, friendly. Larawan ng isang mabuting Kristiyano. (lol) But seriously, What is Faith? I could go on and list several meanings of faith pero it wouldn’t mean that much kase alam naman nating lahat na ginugel ko lang ang ibig sabihin nun. But if you would ask me, to define it in my own words depending on my belief, then you wouldn’t be able to get any answer from me. Wala akong mabibigay na sagot dahil wala akong pinaniniwalaan.

Do I believe in God? Yes and No. Don’t try to ask me why cos I wouldn’t answer. Do I still pray? If you mean the traditional Our Fathers and others, NO, I don’t. Pero ung simpleng pakikipagusap ng isipan ko sa kung sino mang Higher Forces, then YES, I still pray. Maraming nagsasabi or nakapagsabi na sa akin na kaya daw nagkakandaleche-leche ang buhay ko (mga mismong salitang ginamit nila lol) is because I lack faith. Salat daw ako sa paniniwala/pananalig sa Kanya. Kaya daw hindi ako pinagpapala. No offense sa mga taong relihiyosong tunay. Hindi ang simpleng dasal ang sagot sa lahat ng problema sa mundo. Sa dami ng mga nagsisimba at nagdadasal araw-araw, sa Pilipinas pa lang, bakit hanggang ngayon baluktot pa rin ang sistema ng bansa? Sa dinami-dami ng mga nagdadasal, bakit marami pa ring mga batang palaboy, walang bahay, walang makain, walang kinabukasan?

Gusto ko ng malaking bahay, magarang kotse, magandang trabaho. Magdadasal ako. Bukas ba pag gising ko, meron na lahat ng gusto ko? Gusto kong maging Masaya, ipagdadasal ko na bukas magiging Masaya na ko. Naniniwala ako! I have faith in my faith. I have faith in my prayers. Pag gising ko bukas, kusang lalapit si happiness at happily ever after na ko.  Gusto ko ng bagong cellphone, magdadasal ako. Does it work that way? Does faith work that way? Sabi nila you just have to believe, you just have to have faith and everything will be as it should be. Ano ba ang dapat?

I know I’ve lost my faith. Faith in what? I don’t know. I’ve yet to discover. But losing faith doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life. I am living mine right now…. Its just funny kase with the way I live it, it doesn’t seem as if I’m really living it.. magulo? Hindi naman. For some, siguro malabo tong sinasabi ko. I’m just sayin… ano nga ba ang point ko? Faith isn’t something na tinutulak sa atin. Hindi ito isang bagay na ipinapabili sa atin sa tindahan para magamit natin. Its something that we get out of the life were living. 

I’m just glad I wasn’t named Faith by my parents, otherwise, magiging isa akong mantsa sa mga mabubuting taong pinangalanang Faith….

Random Me

CHEESY
- I'm a cheese person. Any food that has cheese in it, di ko palalagpasin.  Hindi ako madaling maumay sa macheese na food, sa taong ma-cheesy, dun ako nauumay. (Pero minsan cheesy din ako ahihihihi)


3 SETS
- Dito sa bahay, I always have 3 sets of sanitary napkins na  nakastock. (1) without wings, ginagamit ko lang pag nasa bahay ako - daytime. (2) with wings, ginagamit ko pag umaalis ako ng bahay, kapag lakad or something. (3) all nightie, pang gabi lang, ginagamit ko to kapag tulugan na.


NOVEMBER 1
- Nung sa Souther Tagalog Region pa kami nakatira, tuwing November 1, umuuwi kami ng Cavite City not just to visit the deadssss but the livingsss as well. Hindi kami nagpupunta sa sementeryo ng daytime, laging sa gabi, iwas bilad sa araw. Sa gabi, jampacked ang cemetery kase nga dun naglalabasan ang mga tao instead na sa araw.  Tatambay kami ng mga ilang oraS dun habang nakikichika ang mga oldies sa mga kapwa mga oldies, kami namang mga bagets (hindi ko na maalala kung sino ung mga nakakasama ko nung time na un) umiikot-ikot sa mga puntod at nangunguha ng mga melted candles at iniipon, binibilog at binebenta. After ng tambay sa cemetery, sa peryaan naman ang sugod namin, we usually stay until 1AM, pagkatapos nun uuwi na.
- Kapag naman hindi kami nakakauwi, sa bahay lang kami. Magluluto ng kung anu-anong kakanin. Naalala ko fave ko nun ang suman.. ung kamoteng kahoy na suman. Pero hindi kami gumagawa nun. Nanghihingi kami sa binibigyan kami ng kapitbahay namin. Usually ung mga may gata-gata something ang niluluto sa bahay. Tas from October 31- November 2, nagtitirik kami ng kandila at nagrorosaryo kami, isa sa morning at isa sa evening, feeling ko nun ang banal-banal ko.


MIRROR
- Hindi ako makapagbrush ng teeth ng hindi nakaharap sa salamin, parang iba ung pakiramdam, hindi komportable, may kulang. Pero kaya kong maglagay ng eyeliner ng walang salamin.. "de-feel" lang.


UTENSILS
- Meron akong paboritong spoon and fork na ginagamit kapag nasa bahay ako. As in ikinaiirita ko ng sobra kapag kainan na at makita kong wala dun ung spoon and fork na gusto ko dahil nasa hugasan at may gumamit na iba.
- Ayokong gumagamit ng plastic na baso. Hindi naman sa choosy ako. Kung nasa ibang lugar ako at yun lang ang pwedeng gamitin, ginagamit ko ng maluwag sa kalooban ko at walang bahid ng pag-iinarte ang nagaganap. Pero kung nasa bahay din lang ako, hindi ako gumagamit nun. Ayoko lang. Tapos.


PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
- Dati, may virtue pa ko sa lahat ng bagay, ngayon, napipili na lang. Pasensyosa akong nilalang. Dati, it takes a lot of effort para makainisan ko ang isang bagay, tao, hayop, lugar o pangyayari. Ngayon, text pa lang inis na inis na ko. Ngayon, text pa lang nauubos na ang pasensya ko.


VANITY
- Vain ako. (Pero hindi naman sobra di tulad nung gustong palabasin ng ibang tao dyan) Matagal ako maligo, dati mga isang oras ako sa banyo, nung may nagreklamo na friend ko kase madalas akong ma-late sa mga usapan at lakaran, nireduce ko sa 45minutes. When I had my tattoo, nareduce ko sya sa 20minutes. Ngayon nakakaligo na ko ng 15minutes na lang (pero hindi ako kumbinsido sa ligo-pato style na yun) Paminsan-minsan nakakaligo ako ng 5minutes. *eye roll*


CLOTHES
- Inaabot ako ng kung ilang minuto sa pagdedecide kung ano ang isusuot ko. Magbubukas ako ng closet ng 10AM, titigan ang mga damit ng ilang minuto, 10:15, nakatitig pa rin, 10:20 may hawak ng damit, nailabas na, 10:30 bibitawan sa kama may makikita ulit na damit na ilalabas, 10:35 may panibagong damit na ilalabas, 10:40 may mas magandang makikita at ilalabas. 10:50 finally! nakapili na ng isusuot, hitsura ng kama parang dinaanan ng bagyo, ang closet hinalukay ng sobra. DESTINATION? Sa market, mamamalengke =))


LISTS
- Mahilig ako sa mga lists. Pag mamalengke, bago umalis ng bahay gumagawa ako ng listahan ng dapat bilhin kapag nasa labas na ko, wala na yung listahan ko di ko na makita. Mga to-do lists sa bahay, matapos kong isulat, ididikit ko sa may pintuan ng kwarto, pag gising ko kinabukasan, makita ko, tatamarin ako.. "bukas na lang". Mga to-do lists sa buhay. Sa sampung to-do lists ko, 2 lang ang natatapos at nakukumpleto ko. Hmmmm makagawa nga ng listahan ng bibigyan ko ng regalo sa pasko hihihihi...

Walang koneksyon ang photo sa post o saken. Nakita ko lang bigla sa isang tumblr post, nakyutan ako kaya nilagay ko dito, i don't wanna flood my FB kaya dito na lang. (explanation much!)

One Summer Shower Part 2

It was a beautiful day outside. A clear sunny day with large white clouds formed in the sky. The perfect hot summer. The right amount of humidity made every scene slow and kind of sensual. Daryl sat at a small round table, his usual spot, with just the right parcel of sunlight at The Bay. Traffic whizzed by while lunch people went about their strolling. The sun felt really charming.

Life was incredibly good. And he knew it. He had everything he want. A beautiful and supportive wife who is also successful in her own business venture.  He had it all, a city he loved, a new novel. Daryl’s a writer. Everything felt good and much better now that his novel’s slowly blossoming, his characters were all coming to life.

“You know one of these days you’ll get sick and tired being married to a starving writer and you’ll say ‘I’m done! I’ve had enough.’ And will just walk out.” He had watched her face serenely as she shook her head and let out a sheepish smile in the warm sunlight four summer years ago. “You don’t look like you’re starving to me.” Smiled some more and lightly brushed her lips on his lips. “I love you, Daryl.” “You’re crazy! But I love you too.”  It had been a really bumpy summer for him. He hadn’t made a single cent with his writing in eight months. “Why am I crazy? Because I respect your kind of work? Because I think you’re a good husband even if you don’t work in some multi-million-billion company? So what? Who gives a damn about that shit? Do you? Do you miss it so much or are you just gonna use it to make things difficult for yourself for the rest of your life?”  There was a slight tinge of bitterness in her voice, mixed with anger.  “Why can’t you just enjoy what you are? Feel good about yourself and what you can do. A writer and a good one. You know sometimes its not all about the money. We don’t starve. We have more than enough. I’m happy and contented and I love you. Although sometimes you make me feel so mad.” A smile began to warm her face again as he leaned over and kissed her. She ran a finger slowly up the inside of his thigh, watching her with that quiet smile of hers, and it tingled all over.

He still remembered it. Perfectly.

Thinking of her made him smile as he watched people at the other tables. If Lizzie had been here they would’ve been laughing right now. She’d definitely be wearing something outrageous. Something that will make people look at her and be intrigued. Something that will make her more interesting. Thinking of her like that drew his attention to the woman in the straw hat a few tables away. He hadn’t seen her before. And he thought she was definitely worth seeing. On a hot sunny afternoon having consumed two bottles of beer which is just his limit to himself when out drinking alone, he could barely see her face.

She had slender arms and pretty hands with no ring. Meaning, single? Maybe. He watched her as she sip her drink through a straw. He felt a familiar tingle as he thought of his wife and watched the girl in that hat. It was a damn shame Lizzie wasn’t home. It was a day to go to the beach, and swim, and sweat and get covered with sand and rub your hands all over each other. The way the woman in the straw hat sensually moved her lips on the straw in her drink bothered him. It made him want Lizzie. Now.

To be continued…

One Summer Shower

She just stood there and so did he, until a broad smile began to take over his face. He looked like a tall, shy schoolboy, watching her and grinning, his eyes damp but no more so than her own. It was crazy—half a block of lawn between them and neither of them moved…she had to.. she came here to see him, to talk to him, not just stand there and gape at him and look like a total idiot. She walked slowly along the walkway, and he began to walk towards her too, the smile plastered on his face becoming wider and wider, and then suddenly, finally, at last, she was in his arms. It was Daryl. The Daryl she knew. It smelled like Daryl. It felt like Daryl, her chin fit in the same place on his shoulder. She was home.

“What happened? You look like a dork who haven’t combed in centuries.”

“I didn’t bother trying to look good, I came immediately so you could save me from this horrible mess I’m in.” She was having a hard time fighting back tears , but so was he, and still their smiles were like bright sunshine in a summer shower.

“Lizzie, you’re crazy.” He held her tightly and she laughed.

“I think I must be.” She was clinging to him tightly. He felt so damn good. She put a hand on his head and felt the silk of his hair. She would have known it blindfolded in a room full of men. It was Daryl. “God, you feel good.” She pulled away from him just to look at him. He looked fabulous. Skinny, a little tired, a little burnt and totally overwhelmed. There is a look of contentment in his face. A vision of peace. He pulled her close again and nestled her head on his shoulder.

“I couldn’t believe it when you started writing, I’d given up hope.”

She felt bad suddenly for the long months of silence, now looking at his face, she could see how much they must have hurt him. He held her at arm’s length and looked her over. He didn’t want to let her go. He was afraid she’d vanish again. He wanted to hold on to her, to make sure she was real. And back. And his. But maybe….maybe she had only come back to visit…to say hello…or say goodbye…His eyes suddenly showed the pain of what he was thinking, and Lizzie wondered what was on his mind. But she didn’t know what to say. Not yet.

And then the words began to rush out. She couldn’t hold back anymore. The dam had finally given way.

“Daryl, I love you. It’s all so lousy without you.” It sounded so corny, but that was what she had come to tell him. She was sure of it now. She knew what she wanted. And now it was a question of want more than need. She still needed him., but differently. Now she knew how much she wanted him.

To be continued..