One Summer Shower Part 2

It was a beautiful day outside. A clear sunny day with large white clouds formed in the sky. The perfect hot summer. The right amount of humidity made every scene slow and kind of sensual. Daryl sat at a small round table, his usual spot, with just the right parcel of sunlight at The Bay. Traffic whizzed by while lunch people went about their strolling. The sun felt really charming.

Life was incredibly good. And he knew it. He had everything he want. A beautiful and supportive wife who is also successful in her own business venture.  He had it all, a city he loved, a new novel. Daryl’s a writer. Everything felt good and much better now that his novel’s slowly blossoming, his characters were all coming to life.

“You know one of these days you’ll get sick and tired being married to a starving writer and you’ll say ‘I’m done! I’ve had enough.’ And will just walk out.” He had watched her face serenely as she shook her head and let out a sheepish smile in the warm sunlight four summer years ago. “You don’t look like you’re starving to me.” Smiled some more and lightly brushed her lips on his lips. “I love you, Daryl.” “You’re crazy! But I love you too.”  It had been a really bumpy summer for him. He hadn’t made a single cent with his writing in eight months. “Why am I crazy? Because I respect your kind of work? Because I think you’re a good husband even if you don’t work in some multi-million-billion company? So what? Who gives a damn about that shit? Do you? Do you miss it so much or are you just gonna use it to make things difficult for yourself for the rest of your life?”  There was a slight tinge of bitterness in her voice, mixed with anger.  “Why can’t you just enjoy what you are? Feel good about yourself and what you can do. A writer and a good one. You know sometimes its not all about the money. We don’t starve. We have more than enough. I’m happy and contented and I love you. Although sometimes you make me feel so mad.” A smile began to warm her face again as he leaned over and kissed her. She ran a finger slowly up the inside of his thigh, watching her with that quiet smile of hers, and it tingled all over.

He still remembered it. Perfectly.

Thinking of her made him smile as he watched people at the other tables. If Lizzie had been here they would’ve been laughing right now. She’d definitely be wearing something outrageous. Something that will make people look at her and be intrigued. Something that will make her more interesting. Thinking of her like that drew his attention to the woman in the straw hat a few tables away. He hadn’t seen her before. And he thought she was definitely worth seeing. On a hot sunny afternoon having consumed two bottles of beer which is just his limit to himself when out drinking alone, he could barely see her face.

She had slender arms and pretty hands with no ring. Meaning, single? Maybe. He watched her as she sip her drink through a straw. He felt a familiar tingle as he thought of his wife and watched the girl in that hat. It was a damn shame Lizzie wasn’t home. It was a day to go to the beach, and swim, and sweat and get covered with sand and rub your hands all over each other. The way the woman in the straw hat sensually moved her lips on the straw in her drink bothered him. It made him want Lizzie. Now.

To be continued…

One Summer Shower

She just stood there and so did he, until a broad smile began to take over his face. He looked like a tall, shy schoolboy, watching her and grinning, his eyes damp but no more so than her own. It was crazy—half a block of lawn between them and neither of them moved…she had to.. she came here to see him, to talk to him, not just stand there and gape at him and look like a total idiot. She walked slowly along the walkway, and he began to walk towards her too, the smile plastered on his face becoming wider and wider, and then suddenly, finally, at last, she was in his arms. It was Daryl. The Daryl she knew. It smelled like Daryl. It felt like Daryl, her chin fit in the same place on his shoulder. She was home.

“What happened? You look like a dork who haven’t combed in centuries.”

“I didn’t bother trying to look good, I came immediately so you could save me from this horrible mess I’m in.” She was having a hard time fighting back tears , but so was he, and still their smiles were like bright sunshine in a summer shower.

“Lizzie, you’re crazy.” He held her tightly and she laughed.

“I think I must be.” She was clinging to him tightly. He felt so damn good. She put a hand on his head and felt the silk of his hair. She would have known it blindfolded in a room full of men. It was Daryl. “God, you feel good.” She pulled away from him just to look at him. He looked fabulous. Skinny, a little tired, a little burnt and totally overwhelmed. There is a look of contentment in his face. A vision of peace. He pulled her close again and nestled her head on his shoulder.

“I couldn’t believe it when you started writing, I’d given up hope.”

She felt bad suddenly for the long months of silence, now looking at his face, she could see how much they must have hurt him. He held her at arm’s length and looked her over. He didn’t want to let her go. He was afraid she’d vanish again. He wanted to hold on to her, to make sure she was real. And back. And his. But maybe….maybe she had only come back to visit…to say hello…or say goodbye…His eyes suddenly showed the pain of what he was thinking, and Lizzie wondered what was on his mind. But she didn’t know what to say. Not yet.

And then the words began to rush out. She couldn’t hold back anymore. The dam had finally given way.

“Daryl, I love you. It’s all so lousy without you.” It sounded so corny, but that was what she had come to tell him. She was sure of it now. She knew what she wanted. And now it was a question of want more than need. She still needed him., but differently. Now she knew how much she wanted him.

To be continued..

Left and Right Options

Wala ng ibang option eh. Wala na kong ibang choices. Wala na., Last resort. It's either I go left or I go right. 







......ang hilig nating tumingin sa kaliwa at kanan lang.. ang hilig nating isipin na wala ng ibang pwedeng tingnan kundi kaliwa at kanan.. eh pwede naman ung north-south-west-east ang gamitin ko... pwede pa nga ang mga northwest-southeast... ang point? Sa bawat pangyayari, palaging may mga options, hindi tayo mauubusan ng mga options na pwede nating piliin. Maraming pwedeng maging options kung pipiliin nating magkaron....

Yung Akala Mo Yun Na Yun

Yung akala mo okay ka, hindi pa naman pala.


Yung akala mo ayos na lahat kase lumalabas ka, tumatawa ka, nakikipaginuman ka, sumasama-sama ka na sa iba, yun pala hindi naman.


Yung akala mo okay ka na kase ngayon hindi ka masyadong nag-iisip at nalulungkot, pero pag dumilim at at tumahimik na ang paligid, bigla kang aatakehin ng lumbay, hindi eh.. hindi ka pa okay.


Yung akala mo ayos ka na kase tipong looking forward ka sa mga lakad na magaganap sa mga susunod na araw/linggo/buwan, pero at the end of the day, iniisip mo pa rin na sana ganito-ganyan..


Yung mga moments na akala mo maayos at "matino" ka na kase ung ibang mga bagay na ginagawa mo nung mga panahong hindi ka ayos eh nagagawa mo na ulit, pero hindi mo naman pala sila ginagawa dahil gusto mo, ginagawa mo lang "just to let time pass", ginagawa mo lang para mapunan ung napakahabang empty spaces in between sa pang araw-araw na buhay mo.


Yung pag-aakala mo na kaya mong lokohin ang sarili mo sa pagpe-pretend na ayos ka lang, na kaya mo, na tapos na, na naka "move on" ka na (when there is no such thing as moving on only moving forward), yung sa sarili mo mismo alam mo na nagsisinungaling ka...


Yun, yun eh! Sampal sa katinuan mo! Panggising sa karuwagan mo na harapin kung ano man ung mga bagay na iniiwasan mo kaya ka nag-aakala...


FYI.. hindi ako yan.. ruma-random lang mula sa sala-salabat na kwento ng mga tao sa paligid. (defensive much?!) 

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• Third day ko na ng pagkain ng iba't-ibang klase ng pasta. One more day and magmumuka na kong noodle house I swear
• Sabi nung co-parent ko sa school kanina, "hala! buntis na naman ako!" it took me several seconds to reply, kase nalito ako whether to answer, "ah talaga? wow naman" or "hmm ganun? pano yan?" then I realized hindi naman kami close, tas feeling ko naghahanap lang sya ng mapapagsabihan, masabi lang ba, so I answered  "uy, another blessing! ayos yan."
• Had brunch with an old friend. (ex manliligaw actually)
• I might be having friends from Manila over the weekend (MpJin)
• May mga taong ginagawang teleserye yung buhay ko. Masyado silang nag eenjoy na subaybayan ang ang mga pangyayari saken. Para silang balita sa GMA 7, nakatutok 24 oras. Nakakaloka. 
• "Alam mo wala kang karapatang sabihing hindi ako masaya, hindi mo naman kase alam ang pakiramdam ng pagiging masaya ko, hindi mo rin alam kung anong ikinasasaya ko, iba't-iba ang ibig sabihin ng masaya para sa iba't-ibang tao, kaya kung wala kang magandang sasabihin na makakadagdag sa ikagaganda ng ekonomiya ng Pilipinas, I suggest you just keep your thoughts to yourself, S.T.F.U.!" (hindi ako galet)
• Unti-unti ng nabubuo ang Sagada plans.. Im soooo heksaytment! may mga bagong makakasama sa sagada trip. ahihihihi mas ang heksaytment level! Yey!
• I hate cross stitch. Isa sa pinakanakakatamad na gawain. Nung highschool pinagproject kame nyan, pinagawa ko sa iba =))
• I fall a little harder everytime we talk.

                                   

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Gusto kong maging writer. Gumawa ng script, mag imbento ng mga tauhan. Mga karakter sa isang kwentong pwede kong bigyan ng buhay. Tunay na buhay. Gusto kong gumawa ng buhay out of the life I have right now. Gusto kong magkaron ng magic wand na pwede kong iwasiwas sa mga tauhang magagawa ko out of pagsusulat para mabigyan sila ng tunay na buhay. Magkaron ng simula at ending ang mga karakter. Happy ending? Hindi. Naniniwala naman kasi ako na hindi happy ending ang lahat. Fairy tales doesn’t exist in real life. Tragedy? Pwede. Ang buhay ay puno ng mga fortunate and unfortunate incidents, na ang iba ay nagreresulta sa trahedya. May kakilala ko, gusto nya ng delubyo. Gusto nya ng may bagyo, ung bumabaha, ung mga sitwasyon na hindi normal sa pang araw-araw. Sa papaanong paraan nya gusto? Hindi malinaw sa akin. Pero minsan nabanggit nya na kapag daw kasi sa mga ganung sitwasyon, nagkakaroon ng pagkakataon na tipong tumitigil ang mga tao to really talk to each other. (tama nga ba ang pagkakaalala ko?) Naisip ko naman, kakailanganin pa ba ng unfortunate incidents, ng mga accidents, ng mga casualties, ng mga tragedies para lang mag usap ang mga tao? Kakaiba.

Gusto kong mag-isip tulad ng pag-iisip nya. Gusto kong maabot ang level of understanding na meron sya. Gusto kong maarok ang mga prinsipyo at ideals niya. Gusto ko siyang maintindihan. Gusto kong maging writer para maisatitik ko kung ano ang gusto niyang iparating. Kung ano ang gusto nyang maintindihan ko. Gusto kong maging isang mahusay na manunulat para maisulat ko ang mga sinasabi niya, para mabigyan ko ng kulay ang mga salita nya. Hindi ko kailangang maging isang pintor para makulayan ang bawat salitang namumutawi sa kanyang mga labi.

Gusto kong makita ang mga bagay na nakikita niya. Gusto kong Makita ang mga ito sa kung paanong nakikita ng kanyang mga mata. Gusto kong maliwanagan sa mga bagay na para sa kanya ay madali lamang intindihin.

Pero kailanman ay hindi ko gugustuhing maging siya.

Hindi siya writer. Hindi siya pintor. Hindi rin sya fairy god mother na may magic wand. Wala syang kakayanang baguhin kung ano ang nakatakda. Wala syang abilidad na kulayan ang mga bagay na sadyang walang kulay. Hindi niya kayang magsulat ng mga bagay-bagay sa labas ng paniniwala niya.

Hindi siya isang karakter sa mga kwento na gusto kong buuin. Hindi siya tauhan sa isang short story na nabuo ng isip ko. Hindi siya kasali dun sa buhay na gusto kong buuin out of the life I have right at this very moment.

Siya lang naman ung taong gusto ko.

Gusto ko sya. No questions asked. No explanations offered.  

Ikaw, alam mo ba ang gusto mo?

Quota Na Pag-ibig

“Me  quota ang pag-ibig. Sa bawat limang umiibig, isa lang ang magigig maligaya. Ang iba, iibig sa di sila iniibig. O iibig nang di natututo. O iibig saw ala. O di iibig kailanman.”

Tumingin ka sa palibot, sa mga kaibigan mo, kaopisina..Ilan sa kanila ang tunay na Masaya?

Relative naman ang pagiging Masaya.

Excuse ng malungkot.

Ang iba’y iibig sa ,aling panahon, umibig noong 1980s, nakipagmartsa sa mga aktibista, pero ang taong nakatakda para sa kanya nabuhay nuong 1930s, isang rebelled laban sa mga Amerikano, matagal nang namatay.Kaya she keeps falling inlove sa lalaking mas matanda sa kanya, hinahanap sa kanila ang di mahanap na wala, hindi mapagtagpo ang kahapon at ang kasalukuyan.

May mga pusong pinaglalaruan. Nasa parehong building ng call center but they will never realize that they are on the same floor. Maski parang laging may strange force na humihila sa kanila para tumingin sa kabila ng building. Kailanman ay di sila magtatagpo. Tanungin man sya ng boyfriend nya kung ano yung lagi niyang tinitingnan sa kabila ay di nya masasagot. At kailanman ay di na nya malalaman dahil eventually ang lalaki ay lilipat sa ibang lugar, at siya, hanggang sa mamatay, ay din a niya malalaman kung sino nga ba yung nasa kabila.

Merong pinalad na nagkakilala, nagkaibigan at nagsama. Pero sa di malamng dahilan ay iniwan ng babae ang lalaki. Mabubuhay ang lalaki sa walang hanggang paghahanap. Mari-realize niya na ang pag-ibig ay laging paghahanap. Pero hindi niya kailanman mahahanap ang babae dahil ang tutong hindi nya mahanap ay ang kanyang sarili.

Merong away nang away kapag magkasama pero hindi naman kaya ang magkahiwalay. Merong nagmamahal lamang kapag nananakit. Merong relihiyon ang humaharang, o katayuan sa buhay, o mga magulang. Merong sila mismo ang gumagawa ng harang.

Merong umiibig na habang nagtatagal ay lalong nawawalan ng IQ. Merong pag-ibig ay napupundi dahil ang 4 out of 5 senses, touch lang ang natitira. Merong sa tingin sa pag-ibig ay tali. Merong di makahakbang dahil sa pag-ibig at meron naming hindi makalipad Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay hapunang walang sawsawan. 

Merong pag umiibig ay nahaharap sa salamin, sarili ang sinasamba. Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay parusa.

Pero merong isa sa lima, harangan mo man ng kulog, ng mga ganid, ng lindol, ng teknolohiya, mahahanap niya ang kanyang mahal. Siya lang ang magiging maligaya.

Fate?

*Para Kay B - Ricky Lee*

Photocredit: Google

28 Untitled

Une autre annee pour vivre, une autre chance de faire les choses interessantes. Etre sage ne vient pas avec l'age, il est determine par combien de personne essaie de mener leurs vies. Son comment vous menez votre vie. J'ai vecu le mien et en vivrai certains plus. Une autre annee, une autre vie, une autre chance...Bon anniversaire a moi

Will You Hold My Hand?

Sabi ko dati, "I just wanted someone to hold my hand." Sa mga panahong nakakaramdam ako ng panglaw at pag-iisa. Sabi ko, yun lang naman yun, I wasn't asking for too much naman. Akala ko nuon simpleng bagay lang yung hinihiling ko at ikinapagtatampo ko ng sobra dahil simple na nga lang hindi ko pa makuha agad. Hindi pala. I was wrong in thinking na simpleng bagay lang yung hinihingi ko. I was asking for something much much more pa pala. Akala ko nuon madali makuha. Narealize ko sa paglipas ng panahon na the things you wanted the most are the hardest or most difficult to achieve. Why? Siguro kase hindi para sayo ung bagay na minimithi mo. Or baka hindi pa rin panahon para makuha mo ito. Pero, kung hindi pa ngayon ang panahon, when is the right time? When is the right time para lumigaya ka? May oras ba talaga ang kaligayan ng tao? Kung hindi mo makuha agad o sa ngayon ung mga bagay na alam mong makakapagpasaya sayo, hindi ka na ba liligaya? Hindi. Anytime pwede ka maging masaya. You just have to look around you to realize na you can be happy with whatever it is you have now, regardless kung magkatotoo ung mga bagay na wini-wish mo. These are just secondary. The things you thought u need and want to make yourself happy? Secondary lang yan, kase ang pangunahin na makakapagpaligaya sa isang tao ay ung mga bagay na existing right at the very moment of hoping or wishing for somethin else which you thought will make you happy.

Sa paghihintay kong dumating ung tao na hahawak sa kamay ko sa mga panahong kailangan ko ng kasama-karamay, nabuhay ako sa isiping, hindi ako magiging maligaya ng mag-isa. Umikot ako sa paniniwala na ang kaligayan ko ay nakadepende whether or not I get to find someone who's willing to hold my hand no matter what. Paano kung hindi dumating? Habang buhay ako malulungkot kase yun ang iniisip kong ultimate happiness ko? Taning. Naalala ko dati na tinaningan ko pa ang sarili ko. Umabot yang kalokohang yan hanggang sa dumating ang kalahati ng taong kasalukuyan. I told myself and people around me that when I reached 28 at single pa rin ako, I'll resign myself to being single forever. Forever Alone. Isang malaking kalokohan. Wala naman kaseng nakatakdang schedule ng panahon o edad ang pagkakaroon ng kasama sa buhay. Nangyayari yun o dumadating un when we least expect it. In less than 24hours, I'll be on my 28th years of existence sa mundong ginagalawan ko, I am still single. There are times when I feel sad about being single, about being alone, normal naman kase yata yung makaramdam ng ganun pagkapaminsan-minsan. Tao lang eh. Ang importante, you still or managed to get up each day trying to plaster that smile in your face at isiping, I am not really alone and that I can be happy kung pipiliin kong maging masaya may kasama man o wala. Pwede ko namang hawakan ang sarili kong mga kamay pansamantala....

"Happiness is a choice!"

Color your world with colorful happiness which you can find around you.

PhotoCredit: Google

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"Kung di ka na masaya, malaya kang bumitaw, pero eto eh kung sarili mo lang sana ang iisipin mo. Pero kung kumplikado ang bawat hakbang na gagawin mo, mahirap talaga... marami tayong choices sa buhay, madaming tao na dadaan sa buhay natin, maraming mag-ooffer ng saya. Pero walang makakasiguro na hindi nila tayo sasaktan kailan man. Ang tanong lang naman, sino ba sa kanila ang 'worth the pain'?"

-- Kuya A.

Photo Credit: EmilySutherland

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Kapag daw nahihirapan na, bumitaw na…

Paano ka naman bibitaw lalo na kung alam mong may umaasa sayo? Sana kapag nahirapan at napagod ka, meron sanang sasalo sayo kahit pansamantala. Tao ka lang eh.. napapagod, nahihirapan, nangangailangan ng pansamantalang kapalit…

Hindi lang katawang lupa ang napapagod…mas lalo ang puso…marunong din mapagod, mahirapan at magsawa…..masaktan……….

Hanggang kailan ka kakapit? Hanggang kailan ka lalaban? Hanggang kailan ka susulong? Hanggang kailan?

Ka mag-iisa?




Photocredit: Jessavila