Lapis At Kinabukasan

“‎”ate, balik po kayo ulit ha, thank you po sa bigay nyo, mahirap na po gamitin ung lapis ko ang liit na po, bigay lang po un ni teacher”

Disyembre nang nagdaang taon ng marinig kong mamutawi ang mga salitang yan sa isang pitong taong batang babae. Isa sya sa mga batang binisita namin upang mabigyan ng kaunting ngiti sa pamamagitan ng pamamahagi ng kaunting "blessings" sa isang pampublikong paaralan dito sa Norte. Isa sya sa mga batang tunay na naghihikahos ang pamilya. May 10 mga kapatid, ang tatay ay isang karpintero na mas madalas na walang trabaho habang ang nanay ay suma-sideline sa paglalabada upang kahit paano ay may maihain na pagkain sa mesa nila araw-araw. Araw-araw na naglalakad ang batang ito patungo sa paaralan upang pumasok, naglalakad siya ng may 8-10 kilometro marating lamang ang paraan. Madalas pumasok ng walang baon kundi ang ilang pirasong "notbuk" at pudpod na lapis. 

Hindi ko mapigilang hindi malungkot nang marinig ko yan sa kanya. Kahit pa isang matamis na ngiti ang nakapaskil sa kanyang batang mukha ng mga oras na yun, alam kong panandalian lamang yun. Ang reyalidad ng pait at hirap ng buhay niya at ng kanyang pamilya ay muling babalik sa kanya matapos ang ilang sandali. Napaisip ako, anong buhay ang naghihintay sa batang ito? Makakatapos kaya siya ng kolehiyo? Magkakatrabaho kaya siya ng maayos? Maiaahon niya kaya sa hirap ang kanyang pamilya? Hanggang saan ang aabutin ng kanyang pudpod na lapis, dalawang pirasong notbuk, upod na tsinelas at sira-sirang payong?

Karapatan ng bawat batang isinilang sa mundo ang magkaron ng magandang kinabukasan. Ang magkaron ng pangalan, magkaroon ng pagkaing makapagpapalaki sa kanila, magkaron ng mga damit na maisusuot, tahanang masisilungan,  lumaking may magandang asal, makapag-aral, lumaki sa malinis at maayos na komunidad, makapaglaro at magsaya, karapatan nilang mabuhay ng walang takot at pangamba. 

Napakaraming bata ang walang kasiguruhan ang kahihinatnan, madaming nagugutom, walang bahay na matutulugan, mga hindi makapag-aral, walang pamilyang nag-aaruga. Mga batang nasa lansangan, nasa bahay ampunan. Mga batang salat sa lahat. Mga batang hindi malaman kung may magandang kinabukasang naghihintay sa kanila. Mga batang napapariwara. Hindi minsang sumagi sa isipan ko ang gumawa ng kahit na anong paraan upang makatulong sa kanila. Hindi ko man sila maabot lahat, maramdaman lamang ng kahit ilan sa mga batang ito na may mga taong handang tumulong in their own little and simple ways. 

Hindi mo kailangang maging isang superhero para maisalba sila sa kahirapan at paghihirap na kasalukuyang dinadanas ng mga inosenteng batang ipinanganak sa mundo ng walang kasiguruhan. Hindi mo kailangang gumawa ng bagay na makakapagbago sa buhay ng mga ito, na makakapagpa-angat sa kinasasadlakan nila. With just a simple touch, a single smile you can make a difference.  A single gesture says it all. You need not show the world what you intend to do. 

To Ms. R.M.A., I know I promised not to write yet about anything, I'm sorry I just cant help it, You know how I feel about these things right now. The excitement level's overwhelming. And I think I just found our perfect venue for the project..  ;))  lab! :*

***larawan mula kay Google***

20 to 28th Update

20 Things To Do Before I Hit 28

• Weekend get away before the Sagada Trip (alone; soul search?! lol)
• Dinner date with friends from up north (no more cancelling, ill do the organizing) - super fun! went home super late. finally natuloy na din after almost a year na pagplano na makumpleto. finally!
• Drink till I drop (been drinking for several days now, but havent tried this one yet)
• Intramuros photowalk (missing intramuros) EPIC FAIL! walang time for this one eh. Waley putographer lol 
• Haircut that I'll definitely regret (i like regrets) - at talagang nagsisi ako sa pagkakagupit here and there. hayzzzz
• Cup of coffee while watching the sunrise sa rooftop ng neighbor (our rooftop's kindda hard to reach) - nakikape ako sa rooftop ng neybor ko na nagpapahiram saken ng smartbro kapag tinotopak ung connection ng wimax ko.
• Lomocam! Somebody promsied to send me one first week of October! Im so excited!
• Learn basic lomography  - been reading a few tutorials on this one
• Decide. decide. decide. (life, path to take blah blah blah) - I'm doing this pakonti-konti. Tipong pinag-iisipan lang not really planning. I'm done with planning. Yoko na magplano
• Clean my life --I mean my closet. Dispose. Dispose. (things that arent needed anymore) a day after the original post of this 20things, nagawa ko to, andaming nadispose (mainly because hindi na kasya lol)
• Cultivate and nurture sadness a certain flowering plant (cactus hahaha) - forgot kung anung pangalan nung halaman na un, pero nagawa ko to, just dunno kung mabubuhay hahaha
• Steaming Hot Sex lol 
• Write a letter (a very long letter, novel?! lol) - I've started this one already although hindi ko pa natatapos, I still have a few weeks to work on it pa naman.
• Visit my dad
• Go to confession  Done! 
• Buy a new skirt  - done! hindi nga lang perfect fit nung sinukat ko na sa bahay. Sadly hindi na pwede ibalik, Shoot sa jar ni Friendship. 
• second piercing (right ear) - may slight changes in here.. ive decided on somethin else, update and a separate post about this will be posted soon once completed na ang task hihihi - Instead of the ear piercing, I had my first and last tattoo last week. Permanent tattoo that is. Will make a separate blog post about this in the coming days.
• Start a 30-day photo challenge (goodluck!) EKS-EKS EPIC FAIL - tinamad na ko ng sobra. I guess im really not into challenges. Ive started several challenges earlier this year, mostly writing challenges at sa dami nun, well, isa lang ang natapos ko. lol
• Look for a regular 9-5 job (this homebased job is driving me nuts) balik tutorial hahaha still homebased work, and still not a 9-6 job. 
• Move forward (easy to say, hardest to act upon) And im really coping...

Ive got three more things that I haven't crossed out yet. I still have plenty of time to do it. 24th pa lang ngayon. Ive less than two weeks I guess to work on it. Lol. Goodluck saken. 

It's Not You, It's Me Shit

Karaniwan na as is karaniwan na talaga sa mga nagbe-break na may isang bumabanat ng “its not you, its me”. At yung taong nakipagbreak ang mariringgan mo nyan. Pampalubag loob? Malay ko! Napapansin ko lang na palaging ganun. From stories of friends who’s been dumped by their boyfriends (dahil sa nakahanap ng ibang babae na MAS daw ung boyfriend), to books that I’ve been reading hanggang sa mga romantic films na napapanuod ko. Sobrang gasgas na gasgas na yang linyang yan.

When a relationship ends, whose fault is it nga ba? Sino nga ba ang may sala? Kaninong pagkakamali ang mas matimbang na nakapagdecide sa isa to end the relationship? Bihira mangyari na mutual ang decision na tapusin ang isang relasyon. Sabi nila, it takes two to tango. Totoo nga naman. Pwede ka bang makipagrelasyon ng solo? O, sige, subukan mong makipagrelasyon sa sarili mo. Tipong sulatan mo sarili mo (hmmmm nigagawa ko to minsan), i-date mo sarili mo, regaluhan mo sarili mo at kung anik-anik pa. Mukha ka lang tanga diba? Relationship with yourself? Yeah right..  A relationship is a special kind of connection of two people who understands each other, yun bang may sarili silang mundo na sila lang ang nagkakaintindihan. (shempre joke yan, maniwala uto-uto) Kapag may nagsawa, o may nakahanap ng iba o sadyang bigla na lang nawala ng parang bula ung kung anu mang nararamdaman para sa karelasyon nya, its time to end the relationship. Para ke ano pang itutuloy nyo kung you don’t feel the same way anymore? Ano un, lokohan lang? “isipin ko na lang mahal mo pa ko, ituloy natin ung relationship natin ha.” Isang malaking kalokohan. Sino niloloko nyo? Kapag nagkaganun, ang iisipin ng tao, kasalanan ng nakahanap ng iba (kasi lumilingon-lingon pa kung san), kasalanan nung nakawala ng pag-ibig(naks!) sa karelasyon nya ( kasi kesyo hindi naalagaan kaya namatay ang love ahihi), basta never na magiging kasalanan ng taong hiniwalayan. Siya yung aawardan sa pagiging kawawa and everything. Siya yung magmumukmok, mag iinarte ng bongga, iiyak hanggang sa maubos lahat ng tubig mo sa katawan. Etong si iniwan, “Ano bang nagawa ko? Anong mali saken?” Sasagutin naman ni nang-iwan ng “ It’s not you, its me.” Tupperware much diba? Aakuin mo kunyari na ikaw ang may kasalanan kahit hindi. Kase sa totoo, wala naman talagang may kasalanan. Hindi naman dapat magkaroon ng sisisihin sa mga ganyang sitwasyon o sa kahit na anong sitwasyon pa.(akalain mong may natutunan din ako sa kanya lol) Hindi naman kasalanan ng tao na bigla na lang nag evaporate ung nararamdaman nya. Hindi niya rin kasalanan kung may makita sya na sa tingin niya eh yun ung taong makakapagpabago sa takbo ng buhay niya.  Buhay kase tayo. And as we live, we grow din. Hindi rin kasalanan ng taong naiwan. Hindi mo pwedeng sabihin na hindi mo kase inalaagan kaya nakahanap sya ng iba. Anung klaseng alaga ang kailangan? Araw-araw na didiligin? Lalagyan ng fertilizer achuchuchu? Hindi halaman yan na kailangan ng fertilizer at kaunting sinag ng sun araw-araw eh solb na.. Nangangailangan yan ng mas matinding well hindi naman talaga matindi, it needs a certain kind of understanding for a relationship to work. It needs a certain kind of connection/bond to make it last. Kapag wala na kayong maramdamang koneksyon o chemistry, anung sense na ituloy pa?

For some na iniwan, malamang mahirap makamove one.. lalo kung mahal mo pa talaga ung taong nang-iwan sayo. Ang coping mechanism ng ilan eh ang manisi (I should know, ganyan ako eh!) Tipong lahat na ng krimen sa mundo mula sa pagpatay kay Lapu-lapu ibe-blame mo sa nang-iwan sayo para lang mapagaan mo yung loob mo.  Pero sa totoo, alam mo sa sarili mo na wala naman may kasalanan. Walang  dapat sisihin. Walang inapi, walang kinawawa. What happened was a simple twist and turn of fates. Ibig sabihin, hindi yun ung perfect timing para sa love na nararamdaman mo. Siguro meron pang iba para sayo or hindi nyo pa panahon. Destiny shit once again. Or maybe inihahanda ka lang para sa “the one” (leche! Hahaha) Kaya binigyan ka ng failed relationship naaahhhh scratch the failed relationship kase hindi naman failure yun. Kaya ka nabigyan ng relationship na hindi nagwork kase may someone better na darating, and if and when it comes, handa ka na. Praktisado ka na from the past relationships you’ve had. Ganun nga siguro un.

*larawan mula kay Google* 

Reasons, Seasons and Changes

"Everything happens for a reason." --- Madalas kong madinig yan kahit nuong pa. For every shit that has happened in my life, ung mga tao sa paligid ko, madalas sabihin na, "ganyan talaga ang buhay, yaan mo lang, lilipas din yan, saka lahat ng mga nangyayari sa buhay natin may dahilan." Nga kaya? Ano namang dahilan kaya un? Nakakatawa kase sa totoo lang, sa lahat ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko, hindi ko na yata nalaman ang reason behind everything. Or maybe I wasn't paying attention to it. Tipong nagfocus lang ako sa mga nangyari o sa results after nun kaya hindi ko na nabigyan ng pansin kung bakit nga ba nangyari ung mga bagay na yun. Ang sa isip ko lang nun, anu man ang mangyari, maa-alter neto kung anu mang resulta ang ini-expect ko. 

Mahilig akong magplano. Mahilig din sumablay ung mga plano ko. Planning shouldve been my middle name.  Gusto ko kase nakaset lahat, kaso hindi naman pala pwedeng ganun. It took me a while.. well it took me really wuite a while to realize na there are things that we have no control of.. "mangyayari ang mangyayari" (according to a friend) kahit anong editing or alterations ang gawin natin in one situation, if its meant to be, it is bound to happen. We can't do anything about it.  Kahit na hate na hate as in super hate natin ung posibleng outcome ng isang sitwasyon, wala tayong magagawa, yun na yun eh. Its either we accept it or we go against it. Going against it wont do us any good. Ano, lalabanan mo ang sitwasyon? Magpapakapraning ka na mabago ang lahat? Para ano? Pahirapan ang sarili mo? Aba! Nasisiraan ka ng ulo! (Ganyan ako eh! Hahaha) Accepting things as they happen, less complication sa buhay mo, less stress, less pressure, less negativities (although sabi ulit ng friend ko wala naman talagang negatibo sa mundo). Mas okay siguro kung let nature take its course. Wag mong labanan. Just go with the flow.

May mangilan-ngilang pangyayari sa buhay ko recently ang nakapagpabago ng ilang pananaw ko sa buhay. My recent break up with an ex, made me realize a few things, isama pa ung mga naging reaksyon ko, pagtatry kong magcope sa sitwasyon na hindi ko naman talaga hawak o kontrolado, not to mention ung incident with my sister, wherein I was able to see things in a different light. May isang linggo pa kami para mawalan ng kaba sa mga nangyari. She's been asking me these "what if" questions. To be honest, I dont have answers. Hindi  naman kase porket ako ang ate eh may mga sagot na ko sa mga katanungan niya. I don't. Siguro ung panahon at pagkakataon lang ang makakasagot. Siguro or sigurado na may mga hindi magagandang epekto or resulta ang mangyayari once na may mapatunayan kami. Ayokong mag-isip. Hindi ko dapat pagplanuhan na ganito ang gagawin, ganito ang mangyayari. Walang wenta yun eh. Hindi makakatulong. Bibigyan ko lang ng problema ang sarili ko. I'll just try to embrace whatever na ibato sa amin/ sa akin ng sitwasyon and will act from there. Baka additional blessing. Hindi ko alam. Bahala na si batman.

We take things as they come, hindi na ko kumbinsido na uubra ung pagpalanuhan mo ang lahat sa buhay mo even before it happens kase hindi ka naman sigurado sa kung anong meron bukas. What you have today, may disappear tomorrow. Situations change, feelings change, but people dont.. Tayo pa rin to kahit anong pagbabago mangyari sa paligid natin, we don't change, we just adapt.. 




*larawan mula kay Google*

Tag. Tagged. Tagging. Tag

I've been tagged.. Its been sittin in my inbox for like a month now.. eto finally, ginawa ko na! Sorry sa delay chello :P

o1. tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? - I like the things I don't like in him. ;)) hihihi

o2. what on your body is hurting or bothering you?  - my knee hurts. 
o3. what was your last thought before going to bed last night? - I can't remember
o4. what are you listening to?  - Jillian's crying 
o5. what’s something you’re not looking forward to? - my birthday
o6. where do you think your best friend is right now? - i dont have a bestfriend
o7. have you kissed anybody in the last five days? - zilch
o8. sex on the first date? - Yes
o9. kiss on the first date? - Yes
1o. is there one person you want to be with right now? - Yessssss
11. are you seriously happy with where you are in life? - Noooo
12. is there something you would like to say to someone? - Yessssss. A lot, actually
13. what are three things you did today? Jogged, Took a bath, Went to church
14. would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? neither
15. what is your favorite kind of gum? - Bazooka =)) (meron pa ba nun?) =))
16. are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends? - With my recent ex, yes, i think.
17. what is on your wrists right now?  - Silver bangle
18. ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? - Yesssss
19. does anyone have strong feelings for you? - I dunno. 
2o. are you slowly drifting away from someone? - I think its the other way around.
21. have you ever wasted your time on someone? - Yesssssssss.
22. can you do the alphabet in sign language? - Few letters only.
23. how have you felt today? - Stupid, Tired, Weary, Sleepy
24. you receive $60 without any reason, what do you spend it on? - Lomography!
25. what is wrong with you right now? - Pessimism.
26. is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? - Anyone and something.
27. would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now? - Neither. I'd rather have Bear brand, choco na gatas-gatas na choco =))=))
28. why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? - I am STILL. Stupid question!
29. how late did you stay up last night and why? -  Slept at 4am. Can't sleep.
3o. when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? - (close friend) a few hours ago.
31. what were you doing an hour ago? Was at church.
32. what are you looking forward to in the next month? - Nothing
33. are you wearing jeans right now? - No, im wearing nothing! Lol
34. are you a patient person? - I think I am.
35. do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?  - My recently concluded relationship lasted for about a month and 3 days, that was the shortest relationship I've had in my 27 years of existence. Other relationships lasted for several years.
36. favorite color? - Black. 
37. did you have a dream last night?  - Maybe. But I can't remember.
38. are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? - I sometimes do.
39. if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? - PRO
4o. do you love anyone who is not related to you? - Yesssssss

Thanks for tagging Chello... pinatulan ko na, wala akong magawa eh. ;))

Kapag Suma-Somewhere Down The Road Ang Drama Mo Right After The Blooody Break Up

When it comes to loving, hindi sapat na tunay/wagas/ganap ang nararamdaman nyong pag-ibig (naks) sa isa't-isa to make a relationship work. Kailangan ding bigyan ng consideration ang "timing" Then you'll start to wonder, "is there really a right love at the right time?" Or is it just/always at the wrong time/wrong situations? (You'll never know unless you forget the risks and take the fall and just think na " if its meant to be, then its worth it all".)

When you start loving someone, you must also accept the fact that sooner or later, matatapos din ang lahat. Sometimes, it'll all be over before you knew it. Some relationships aren't meant to last. Hanggang dun lang eh. Hanggang ganun lang un. And you have to accept that. It's not a sign of failure, it gives the person the chance to learn from it---to learn how to sacrifice and accept things. 

Sabi nila, kung mahal mo ang isang tao, dapat marunong kang magparaya. Kalimutan ang sarili. (kung san ka masaya, suportahan taka! *insert PLDT commercial here*) How ironic diba? I mean, how can you possibly let go of someone you've grown to really love? ----unconditional love yata ang tawag dyan, when you become selfless. tipong "im setting you free/letting you go, cos I want you to be happy---go find your happiness." (Ang syala lang diba?! Dakilang-dakila! pwede nang patayuan ng dagdag na monumento, sa gitna ng EDSA!)

Anong Chismis?

May tenga ang lupa, may pakpak ang balita.

All time favorite hobby nating mga pinoy ang CHISMIS. It never fails na maging hit sa takilya. Full house kung full house palagi ang mga tambayan lalo at may mga "nag-iinit na balita-slash-tsimis" Box office hit palagi ang tindahan ni Aling Tekla kapag may bagong pagchichismisan. There's a chismosa/chismoso in every one of us. Aminin man natin o hindi, at some point/s in our lives nagiging tsismosa/tsismoso tayo.Eh sa totoo naman kasing nakakatuwa ang paghahabi-habi ng kwento ng kung sino-sinong tao na nakikita natin sa paligid natin. Regardless kung kilala natin tong taong to o hindi.Ang saya kaya kapag nagagawan natin ng kwento ung mga taong walang kamuwang-muwang sa mga pinagsasabi natin tungkol sa kanila. Ansaya nga ba? Di nga?

Kailan nga ba nagiging masaya ang tsismis? Anong napupulot ng mga taong gumagawa ng tsismis? Tunay na satisfaction nga ba? Nakakatulong nga ba ito sa pang-araw-araw na buhay nila? Malamang! Pangtanggal ng pagkabagot sa SSDD (Same Shit Diffferent Day) (salamat Lio sa Acro lol) nila. Kailan ba nagiging kapakipakinabang ang paghabi ng tsismis?

Update on 20 of 28th

Update-update lang sa list ko ng ka-ek-ekan..  
20 Things To Do Before I Hit 28

• Weekend get away before the Sagada Trip (alone; soul search?! lol)
• Dinner date with friends from up north (no more cancelling, ill do the organizing)
• Drink till I drop (been drinking for several days now, but havent tried this one yet)
• Intramuros photowalk (missing intramuros)
• Haircut that I'll definitely regret (i like regrets) - at talagang nagsisi ako sa pagkakagupit here and there. hayzzzz
• Cup of coffee while watching the sunrise sa rooftop ng neighbor (our rooftop's kindda hard to reach) - nakikape ako sa rooftop ng neybor ko na nagpapahiram saken ng smartbro kapag tinotopak ung connection ng wimax ko.
• Lomocam!
• Learn basic lomography  - been reading a few tutorials on this one
• Decide. decide. decide. (life, path to take blah blah blah)
• Clean my life --I mean my closet. Dispose. Dispose. (things that arent needed anymore) a day after the original post of this 20things, nagawa ko to, andaming nadispose (mainly because hindi na kasya lol)
• Cultivate and nurture sadness a certain flowering plant (cactus hahaha) - forgot kung anung pangalan nung halaman na un, pero nagawa ko to, just dunno kung mabubuhay hahaha
• Steaming Hot Sex lol 
• Write a letter (a very long letter, novel?! lol) - I've started this one already although hindi ko pa natatapos, I still have a few weeks to work on it pa naman.
• Visit my dad
• Go to confession 
• Buy a new skirt  - done! hindi nga lang perfect fit nung sinukat ko na sa bahay. Sadly hindi na pwede ibalik, Shoot sa jar ni Friendship.
• second piercing (right ear) - may slight changes in here.. ive decided on somethin else, update and a separate post about this will be posted soon once completed na ang task hihihi
• Start a 30-day photo challenge (goodluck!)
• Look for a regular 9-5 job (this homebased job is driving me nuts)
• Move forward (easy to say, hardest to act upon)

Faith on Fates

"We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails." There are two things, its either we just go along with everything thats happening in our lives (be it good or bad) or we go against it, "whatever will happen, will happen". We can't stop the tides from rolling. We can't keep the storm from coming, but we can make use of our sails, adjust it to our own liking and be on our way. It will not change anything that's bound to happen, but it can somehow alter the process in achieving what you want in life, it can give you lots of options to choose from and it can give you lots of experiences to learn.

Losing Game

"I've  dreamt of this for so long, that when it finally happened, I refused to believe it, and then I lost it.. I lost it.. I lost again.. "

On 20 of the 28th After 30 days

   20 Things To Do Before I Hit 28

• Weekend get away before the Sagada Trip (alone; soul search?! lol)
• Dinner date with friends from up north (no more cancelling, ill do the organizing)
• Drink till I drop (been drinking for several days now, but havent tried this one yet)
• Intramuros photowalk (missing intramuros)
• Haircut that I'll definitely regret (i like regrets)
• Cup of coffee while watching the sunrise sa rooftop ng neighbor (our rooftop's kindda hard to reach)
• Lomocam!
• Learn basic lomography
• Decide. decide. decide. (life, path to take blah blah blah)
• Clean my life --I mean my closet. Dispose. Dispose. (things that arent needed anymore)
• Cultivate and nurture sadness a certain flowering plant (cactus hahaha)
• Steaming Hot Sex lol 
• Write a letter (a very long letter, novel?! lol)
• Visit my dad
• Go to confession 
• Buy a new skirt
• second piercing (right ear)
• Start a 30-day photo challenge (goodluck!)
• Look for a regular 9-5 job (this homebased job is driving me nuts)
• Move forward (easy to say, hardest to act upon)

Crazy Little Thing Called .....

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On 28th with 20 and 8

A month from now, I'll be having my 28th day of existence in this world. lol. I'm not sure what to do with it, maybe just like last year's stay at home, cook a little something special for the family and spend the rest of the day in total silence. Last year I received quite a number of greetings from online friends, from FB wall posts, PM greetings to audio greetings and video.  For this year, Im wishin or I'll be hoping that those people who are special to me, will remember it.. ganun lang.. I'm not expecting any gift or something, well, I could use a single white rose as a gift pala lol. 


Now, that I'm back to being single... I guess I should be wishin for a new boyfriend now :)) Seriously though, for this year, I will not be making any wishes for myself instead, ill come up with 8 special wishes for 8 special people and 20 things to do before I reached my 28th day. 


Will be posting in the coming days.. I'll start tomorrow with the 20 things to do.. Have to think of it thoroughly first ;))

Losing

Dont get too absorbed with your own thinking, ideals, principles and beliefs, in the process of doing that, you'll lose the people who cares for you and eventually lose yourself, sadly, you'll end up bein alone and lonely. 

Busy Doin Nothing

Im bein productive today. I ve peeled 8kilos of carrots. Wow. Achievement. *roll eyes* Was up at 5am, got nothing to do. Bored to death. Can't watch a movie, can't read, can't write. I dont wanna sing, it hurts to sing. I dont wanna play music, it makes me really really sad. Tried looking for things to do that doesn't require too much thinking or doesn't require any thinking at all, then I saw the carrots waiting to be peeled. Productive. Wow. It is only 8:10 in the morning and i'm already sitting in front of the computer.

I Used To...

Ang hirap gumawa ng biglaang bagong routine. Ang hirap na tanggalin ung mga bagay na araw-araw mo ginagawa. My day usually starts at 5 or 6 in the morning, Dapat pagdating ng 8am, patapos  na ang lahat, nakaprepare na ang mga dapat gagamitin for school, food for lunch, clothes to wear  para pagdating ng 8:30 am, wala ng abala sa pag-uusap. He goes online at 8:30, he texts me at 8:30. We start our day at 8:30, mapuputol ang YM conversation by 12:30 kailangan maghatid sa school, dyan papasok ang texting... and phone call for two and a half hours. Pagdating sa bahay YM ulit until 6pm. He logs out by 6, we text until 6:30pm, tas goodnight na. I work in the evenings. Slept late, wake up at 5 or 6am.. tas ganun ulit..

Ang hirap na biglaang papalitan ung mga ginagawa kong yan everyday. For about a week now, lahat na yata ng posibleng pamatay oras ginawa ko na para hindi ko maisip na "hindi ba pag ganitong oras eh magkausap kame?" "dati, pag ganitong oras  magkatext kame eh."

Parrot

What hurts the most is having so much to say but there's no one to listen to you tas you just watch him walk away from your life. Parang tanga na this feeling. Why is it that the more I seek happiness, the more I lose it? Ang unfair lang. Sobra. It isnt easy to let go  of something you've put everythin into (kahit na ang alam at pinaniniwalaan nya eh you havent given yourself or anything... kakatawa lang, marunong pa sya sa pakiramdam ko eh. Mas maalam pa sya sa kung anong totoong nararamdaman ko. Magaling daw siya sa pag analyze ng mga tao, he can see through your very soul lol or maybe im just making this all up hahaha whatever) Ang hirap lang kase, I have to go through every damn day havin to remember it.  Ive been nurturing this hang over for three days already, meaning ive been drinking for three nights. I dont usually drink this much. Mainam kasing makapagpatulog ang alak, after a while, you get numbed tas eventually makakatulog ka, nakakatulong kesa sa valium. Which reminds me need to go back to my therapist para makapagpareseta ng panibago, I ve one last pill. When I deactivated my Facebook account tas deleted my tumblr account parang nasuffocate ako, ang hirap na wala kang mapaglabasan ng nyetang unwanted emotions na to. nakakagigil. hindi ko naman makwento kay R kase she'll definitely ask for details eh kahit ako hindi ko alam kung anong detalye ibibigay sa kanya, I wasnt even sure what really happened, couldnt talk to G... ah basta! it somehow feels good to have this blog again, ung emptiness mas lumaganap. Its all in the mind daw (sabi niya) lahat ng sinasabi ko ngayon sa kahit na sino dito sa bahay puro na lang sabi niya, according to him blah blah blah. puro na lang siya, ang pathetic ko lang.


Kasabay ng pagbalik sa pag-inom, I also went back to smoking. *roll eyes* nagrereklamo na si mama...

Waiting In Vain

If there is one thing I really hate the most in this hellish situation I am in right now, its the endless waiting..


I dont even know what the hell am I waiting for... Its like im waiting for some miracle to happen. Basta may 


mangyayari, may hinihintay akong mangyayari, kung ano man yun, I have no idea sa ngayon.. 

Conversation

"akala mo matatakasan mo ang nararamdaman mo? At the end of the day, its what makes you happy that matters."

"what makes you happy?"

"him."

"awww that sucks. what are you gonna do now?"

"sleep. sleep it off."

"what happened ba?"

"i dont know. baka ikaw alam mo lol."



*iba-iba ang kaligayahan ng tao, what makes me happy doesnt make you happy. what makes me happy is doing the right thing. kaso sayo walang right or wrong things. magulo diba? ako ba o ikaw? hindi ko alam. basta magulo. be strong... posibleng hindi mawala ang sakit. nobody gets used to pain, u just learn how to live with it. in time, you'll cope.... in time, I'll cope..."
-- Here's me actually talkin to myself.... trying to convince myself.. trying... trying... trying...

Stop, Think, Wait A Minute

 Cliff Risk; I feel as if im at the edge of a cliff, unsure;undecided whether to move away from it or jump off. If i step back and move away from it, I will not have the chance to see the picture that’s been painted come to life. Even if I try to look back as I move away, it wouldnt change a thing. But if I jump off the cliff, I know I’ll be able to see him there, I just dont know if he’s willing to catch me or he’ll just watch me fall. Ive no way of knowing unless I try. Unless I take the risk…


--This was me two months ago... This was me.. one undecided (confused, I still am) soul. This was me having second thoughts whether to jump or move away from my happiness..




**I just hope you're willin to catch me  now that you know I've fallen for you.**


--This was me after risking it. This was me after bein undecided. This was me taking the plunge...




"I hate this kind of feeling. I wish it'll all go away. I hate it. I hate it. I hate you. I hate me the most."


--This is me now. 


I wish I have Tinker Bell's fairy dust... I wish I have magic powers...I wish...

Comforting Lies

"You have me, I don't have you."

I don't think (believe) I really ever had you. You were never mine for the taking in the first place. You were just someone who came along, tipong "naaliw" sa kwento o sa pagkatao ko. I wouldn't really know. You used to tell me im this and that that im fond of being like this and being like that. There were also times when you tell me that I used to believe that "this" is what im feeling when its not. That im just bein clouded over things. You used to tell me a lot of things about myself. You made me realize a lot of things. You made me discover  a part of me I never knew existed. But it doesn't mean  you're always right. It doesn't mean everytime you tell things about me...... You're a "scary" judge of character... thats what you are (according to you) have you ever considered listening to others? Have you ever considered really listening to their hearts? Can you tell what exactly I'm feeling right now? You're a really smart guy. You're even way too smart for me. I see myself at level 1, and I see yours at level 8 already. I don't know or I'm not sure if its the same for everyone who knows you, but Im having a difficulty understanding you. Maybe its just me, I dont know. Doesn't really matter now, does it?