I'm Getting Married Yesterday!!!

Weddings are....


Weddings make me.....




I usually hate weddings. Tipong bitterness to the core ung wedding-weddings na yan.. Something I can't have. Pero kung gano ko kabitter sa mga weddings, ganun din naman ako kabenta na maging bridesmaids nila. Kahit na sino. Kahit na di ko gaano ka-close eh nakukuha pa kong abay sa kasal nila ewan ko ba kung bakit. Minsan nga feeling ko kahit na mapadaan lang ako sa isang lugar na pinag uusapan na ang kasal eh makukuha at makukuha akong abay. Hayssss "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" ang drama.Last year lang eh almost 7x akong nagbridesmaid sa kasal ng kung sino-sino. Wag mo na itanong kung bakit almost, wala akong balak sagutin.  Oh weh anu naman ngayon?  Wala lang. Eh di pakasal na lahat ng tao sa buong mundo. At maiwan akong mag-isa. Yes, forever alone. I'll forever hold my own hand. Chos. Enough of the bitterment echos.


The past few days, napakaraming wedding achuchuchu ang meron all around me. Andyang merong  nagtatanong saken ng magandang motif daw, kung san maganda i-held ung reception nila, andyan din ung meron akong kamaganakan na magcecelebrate ng 25th wedding anniversary nila at gustong ikasal ulet, gusto nilang mangealam ako ng bonggacious sa preparations nila. Sila na ang madatung na gagastos ng limpak-limpak na peyses para dun habang ako, ako na salat at naghihikahos eh hindi nila matulungan. Char. (buti na lang nakatago tong blog na to sa mga relativities) At meron din akong mga nababalitaan na mga classmates from Highschool at college na finally after how many years of existence ng pagiging sila eh finally decided to tie the knot. 


Meron akong nakita na pikshur ng kakilala ko taken from a rooftop somewhere-i-dont-know. Nasabi kong rooftop kase gabi un tas makikita mo may mga lights-lights all around them. Tapos makikita mo rin parang may barandilya usually sa mga rooftop, o tapos un nga, andun sila, may pikshur, tas may kumikinang sa fingerloo ng girly. Tapos makikita mo ung mga sangkaterbang likes saka mga comments na kumu-kongratsumeleyshens. Ang syala ng kinang mo teh! Isa lang ang ibig sabihin nun diba? 


So, anong meron? Wala lang naman. Siguro napunta ko bigla dun sa point na nagwa-want na rin ako ng ganung bagay. I wanted a fairy tale wedding. Tipong gusto kong suungin ung stress ng pamimili ng food para sa reception, pag-isip ng magandang concept, pagtry ng gowns, pakikipag argue sa kung sino dapat at kung sino ang hindi dapat mailagay sa guest list, kung sinong magiging maid of honor, ilang flower girls dapat, anong flowers ang gagamitin sa bouquet... mga ganyan... in short, I wanna get married na rin! Di ko alam kung gusto ko talaga ung totoong konsepto ng kasal, o gusto ko lang just the wedding itself, basta ang alam ko right now, Gusto kong ikasal ako---gusto kong makasal..


Pero siguro bago ko muna isipin at pangarapin na ikakasal ako, siguro dapat maghanap muna ko ng taong magpapakasal at sasagot sa gastos ng kasalang inaasam ko. hahahaha btw, meron na kong naisip na wedding song ko. Nyahahahahahahaha.

Restless

"I'm going to take a hot shower while your clothes dry, " she said. "Help yourself to..whatever."


"Want company?"


She'd never heard two words with so much invitation in them.


Her mouth went dry. Her brain went hiatus. Of course, she wanted him to join her, but it was such a bad, bad, bad idea.


"You know, " he said, stepping so close "if we did what were both thinking of doing, maybe we could get it out of the way and not be so stressed about it."


"i'm not thinking..."


That was true. She was all sensation with no sensible thoughts to put on brakes.


"Aren't you just a tiny bit curious how we'd be together?" He took her in his arms and lightly kissed her eyelids. "No! I don't want to know. Anyway, it isn't something you get out of the way!"


"No, its the natural thing when two people are attracted to each other."


"I'm not attracted to you!" It was her all-time biggest lie.


"I'm not suggesting you like me, only that you want me as much as I want you."


"In your dreams." She was shivering from her lips to her toes and trying not to let him see. "Its crossed my mind we might be dynamite together."


He loosened the tie on her robe and let it hang from the loops on either side.  She took a little half step toward him and let her treacherous heart direct her into his arms. He put his hands under her robe, encircled her waist and drew against him, soft breasts against firm chest. They kissed until warmth flowed through her like stream heat, and she knew they had passed the point of no return.


"You need a warm shower," he whispered close to her ear.


"Yes."


"With me."


"Yes."


She needed him. He was as wrong for her as any man could ever be, but for once in her life, she was going to do something not on her list, not part of her agenda, not one of her goals. She slipped her hand into his and led him to the shower. He helped her out of her robe, ans she couldn't quite believe she was standing in front of him with nothing on. The shocked of her nakedness passed quickly, though when he dropped the towel and stepped into the stall to turn on the water.


She stepped under the warm water and into his arms. He reached beyond her to the hanging rack of shampoo and soap and pressed the pump on her shower scrub until his hands were enveloped in suds. Knowing what he was going to do didn't make it any less pleasurable. He lathered her shoulders and throat with leisurely caresses, stopping to fill his hands with more bubbles. She made a giggly sound when he made soapy swirls on her breasts and tummy, she felt very slippery and very, very sexy.


He was hard. his breaths came in rasps. "This is where I beg for mercy, " He softly teased, reaching up and shutting off the water. He found a towel and gently rubbed her dry. He then lifted her in his arms, cradling her against his chest for the few steps it took to reach her bed. He lowered her to the bed. He took one nipple into his mouth and gently suckled while his hand explored her body. Wherever he touched, she tingled, and when he parted her thighs, she covered his hand and push it harder against her.. He kissed her inner elbow, the back of her wrist, the crease between her thighs. He was breathing hard, but his lovemaking was leisurely even when she touched him, then stroked him with increasing urgency.


He moistened his finger on her tongue and slid it gently into her, caressing until she throbbed and urgently guided him toward her. He rose above her, his deep dark eyes staring at her, plunged deep in a compelling rhythm and continued until she melted, until she lost herself in the most amazing way.. He shuddered and held her close. She went limp and hugged him against her...


"That was so good." he said, softly kissing her swollen lips. He pulled her into his arms as she snuggled closer. and they both drifted off to sleep with a shy contented smile plastered on their faces.

And Then, Flatline.............. Random!

*** MU - Mutual Understanding; tipong "kayo" pero hindi kayo, hindi kayo pero parang "kayo".
Conclusion: ISANG NAPAKALABONG USAPAN. Walang linaw, walang kasiguruhan, walang       patutunguhan?


*** FB - Facebook? Hindi! Friends with Benefits; tipong hindi kayo, maaring at some point eh naging kayo-it ended-u became friends at dahil sa friendship-friendshipan naman kayo at parehas na singular at the moment, you both feel the need to benefit from each other. Ano daw? Yan yung hindi kayo pero nagpapasasa kayo sa benepisyo na nakapaloob sa sitwasyon ng "pang-kayo". Kung di mo naintindihan yang paliwanag ko, Pakamatay ka na!
Conclusion:  Enjoy while its there. Till supply lasts. May expiration date ang lahat ng bagay. PERO, may catch yan! Meron palaging isa na bumebreyk ng major rule ng FB na to, merong laging isa na mahuhulog at mahuhulog pa rin.. or possible na merong isa na hindi na makakaget over. Malulugmok na sya sa sitwasyon. Gudlak!


*** Is it possible to want someone or something forever without actually having them/it in your life? Is it possible to want something or someone forever without the "loving it" factor?


*** "When life fucks up, we just have to fuck right back and enjoy the orgasm." --Kaloytoots


*** Ilang araw na rin akong parang sintu-sinto dahil sa kung anik-anik na mga pangyayaring sabay-sabay na nagpapagulo sa tahimik(di nga?!) kong mundo. Mga pangyayaring hindi maiiwasan, at definitely hindi maaring takbuhan. Tipong ako lang ang salvation ng mga pangyayaring ito kasama na ng mga taong involved dito. Charot! What I'm trying to say is, shit happens. At sunud-sunod na shitty incidents ang nangyari and there's no other option for me but to face it, kase nga di naman ako pwedeng magdeadma-deadmahan lang at tumunganga. May umaasa. 


*** Nung isang araw ko pang gusto magsulat. Hindi ko magawa. Kahapon, gustung-gusto kong magsulat. Isulat lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa mundo at lalo na ung sama ng loob ko sa dalwang taong importante saken.  Eto nagsusulat ako ngayon, pero hindi ko pa rin makuhang ilabas kung anong tunay nasaloobin ko, ano nga bang totoong nararamdaman ko?


*** Valentine's day, Anu un? Bitterance ang dating? Hindi naman. Nakakatawa lang kase, its just another one of those ordinary days. kaparehas lang yan sa araw kung saan nagbabayad ka ng walang katapusan mong bills, o araw kung saan nagkakandakumahog ka sa deadlines mo, o araw kung san taeng-tae ka at walang malapit na CR. All I'm saying is that, we shouldnt make a big deal out of it kase.. wala lang yun. Eh ano kung me date sila sa 14? baket, sa 14 lang ba pwede makipag-date? Makikisiksik ka sa napakaraming pipila sa waiting area ng Sogo??  Wake up people! lol


*** Kapag daw ang trust ang nasira, mahirap ng i-rebuild. It actually takes a lifetime bago mabuo muli pero only seconds to destroy it. Siguro nga totoo, pero posibleng hindi, tipong case to case basis. Pero sa ngayon ang alam ko lang, nasaktan ako tas parang feeling ko nasasaktan pa rin ako. And no matter how hard or how much effort I put into taking it away.. I just can't. Hindi pa siguro time mawala nung pain. I-nunurture ko ba? Hahaha


***FLIRTATIONSHIP ; more than flirtation less than a relationship; eto ung kamag-anakan ni MU at FB.. (i think)

Playful Final..

The exchange of words broke the kiss. Without the kiss she was free to indulge herself by tasting him. He liked her nails so she ran them down on his back, loving the feel of his muscles flexing pleasurably, loving the groan he uttered just before he claimed one of her breasts with his mouth.


Desire stirred liked an unleashed serpent deep within her abdomen. He must have known because his hand was suddenly playing her stomach, moving downward, fingertips slipping beneath the scrappy fabric of her undies. The hand slipped lower. She groaned then gasped as pleasure licked with stunning intensity through to her toes and fingertips. He murmured something she didn't hear--it could have been her name or a curse because she knew she was rocketing right out of control.


The last of her clothing was trailed away; she was vaguely aware of him ridding himself of his own, When his hand were busy elsewhere his mouth took up the burning seduction of her breasts, her navel, brushing hot moist kisses along the inner surface of her thighs.


Flesh burned against flesh; long restless limbs tangled in a love-knot caress. They rolled, He came above her, her hands locked around his neck. It was then that she felt the probing force of his masculinity and as her insides curled in pure anticipation she uttered his name on a sensual breath.


He liked it; she felt his response in the small shudder that ripped through his body. She then responded with a little flexing of her hips that made her exquisitely aware of the power he was still keeping in check. She gave him her mouth, willingly hungrily. She gave him every bit of herself that she could possibly give. Like a man leaping into an fiery furnace knowing he was about to get severely burned, he made a single strangled sound in his throat then, swift and sure, he claimed the passage he had prepared for himself.


It was wild, it was shocking, it was shamelessly exhillirating. Barriers broke; she winced on a soft little gasp. He paused, touched her cheek with unsteady fingers, gently combed her hair away from her face.


She opened her eyes and made contact with the burning black density of his, then closed it again, then made a single stretching movement that fastened her to him as a whole new hot probing journey held her in its spectacular thrall. He took her to places she hadn't known existed. She learned what it was like to lose touch with everything but a swelling pulsing pleasure of senses. 


And when it was over, all she could do was hang onto him while he lay heavily on top of her with their pounding heartbeats throbbing all around.

Playful 2

He then led her through an erotic undressing by drawing the zip of her dress down her spine with caressing expertise that literally took her breath away. With his trembling fingers that trailed feather-light to her overexposed skin, slender back bone. She moved against him, kaalinsabay sa kanyang paggalaw, dama nya na nagustuhan nito ang kanyang mabini at erotikang paggalaw. 


He released an impatient sigh; she matched it too. He caught the sound on his tongue then fed it back to her, while his hands drifted up her arms until they reached her hands still locked around his neck. Drawing them downwards he encouraged her dress to slither down her body, then laid her hands against his shirt front. "Undress me," he urged.


Kahit na tila ba nahihiya, she complied with too much eagerness, nababanaag sa kanyang mga mata ang naglalagablab na pagnanasa. She complied while the caress of his hands and mouth urged her on.  Shirt buttons slid from their buttonholes to reveal more and more of that wonderful chest she loved to look at so much now. She allowed herself the pleasure of touching, placing her finger on his chest. Then because she wouldn't resist, the moist tip of her tongue followed the rail her fingers left. 


Then it was flesh on flesh, pleasure tangling up with pleasure as the whole thing shot off on its own natural journey. His arms were crushing her, his kiss was deep, penetrating to the core. He came down with her, his skin was moist, she yearned to taste it but the kiss was just too good to break away from. His hands begin caressing her with so much sensual expertise that she arched and flexed  as sensation washed over her in waves and scraped restless fingernails over his shoulder with enough urgency to make him shudder in response.


He released a thick laugh and said, "Do it again."




To be continued..

Playful

"I need you so badly. I need you now." Bulong nito sa kanya.

"You don't know what you're asking." Mariin nyang tanggi.

Naramdman niya ang hagod ng kamay nito sa kabuuan ng kanyang katawan, in a slow, languid, exploring caress that made her feel warm , wet and excited inside.

"Please don't say no. It will kill me if you do.", he said against the skin of her throat, his voice hoarse with desire.

Desire. Desire for him. Masidhi at nag-uumalpas.

He gripped her bottom and rubbed himself against her. And she could feel the need. A different kind of pain that excites her. Hot and empty.. And yet she was mindless with need, the aching desire. His tongue caressed her mouth, her soft lips erotically and coaxing her to play. She moaned as her tongue hesitantly play with his.

Nagmulat siya ng mga mata at baka sakaling manaig ang isip sa damdamin. Pero ang tanging nakita niya ay ang malamlam na mga mata nito filled with intense passion, nakikita niya ang mumunting pawis sa paligid ng noo nito, dala ng matinding pagpipigil sa masidhing excitement dala ng init ng kanilang mga katawan.

Then he bent to kiss her again, "I want you. I need you," he murmured inside her mouth.

To be continued..

De Numero

X: Hanggang kailan ba natin gagawin to?


Y: Hanggang gusto natin. Hanggang masaya tayo. hanggang di nabibisto.


Hanggang kailan nga ba? Hanggang kailan ka kakapit sa isang walang pinagpakuang pangako? Hanggang kailan mo hahayaang masaktan ka? Hanggang kailan mo hahayaang maging huli ka sa prayoridad nya? Hanggang kailan mo hahayaang naka-iskedyul ang kaligayahan mo? Para kang manikang de susi, para kang laruang sasakyang de remote control. Sya ang may hawak ng control, kung kailan nya gusto umandar ka, saka ka lang maliligayahan. Kapag binitawan nya ang remote control dahil napagod na syang maglaro, maiiwan kang nakatengga hanggang sa maisipan nya uli na balikan ka at laruin. Hanggang kailan mo hahayaan ang sarili mong maging palipasan? Palipasan ng panglaw, pagkabagot at kawalan ng opsyon sa mga piling panahon sa buhay nya.


Para saan ang pagtitiis? Para ba sa kakaunting oras na iniaatang nya sayo? Sa kapirasong ngiti na paminsan-minsang kumukurba sa iyong mga labi dahil sa biglaan nyang pagdating, sa biglaang pagpaparamdam, pagbibigay aliw. Kuntento ka na ba dun? Kailan ka tunay na liligaya?


Hindi ka ba napapagod maghintay? Hindi ka ba napapagod sa kakatingin sa labas ng gate ng bahay mo? Umaasa na sa mga susunod na minuto ay matatanglawan mong nasa may tarangkahan mo na sya at binibuksan ang gate papunta sayo. Palagian kang may nakahandang pagkain, baka sakaling dumating sya, may maihahain ka agad sa kanya. Pero mas madalas na lumalamig lamang ang pagkain na inihanda mo, tulad mo, naghihintay lang din.. naghihintay sa wala..


Hanggang kailan pa?

Sino ang In-Case-Of-Emergency Person Mo?

I woke up one day and realized that death is everywhere. Its inevitable. It can take you anytime. I don’t know about the “kung oras mo na, oras mo na” thing. But I do know that we can never be really fully prepared when death comes. It can take us today, tomorrow, next week, next year or we’ll live on till the next decade. We can never say how far we’d go.  What’s sad about it, is when people die and they didn’t get the chance to leave a mark to those people they’ll be leaving behind. I know someone who doesn’t want to be remembered. I asked him before, “how do you wanna be remembered?” He answered without any hesitation at all, “I don’t”. “I don’t want to be remembered by people after Ive passed on.” He said.  At that time, I wasn’t able to understand him, actually, until now, I wasn’t able to understand why he doesn’t wanna be remembered by those people who love him.

Death changes a lot of things.  It changes not just the situation but the people itself. Death changes people from the way they think, the way they see life and the way they feel.  Its funny how death  makes everything  be in a fast forward mode. I remembered when my father died, everything was a blur. I can hardly remember everything that has happened from the moment he died up until the funeral. It all went by so fast. Its like it didn’t really happen at all. It took quite some time before it finally hit me that he wasn’t there anymore. That he wasn’t just away at work, that he will not be stopping by anymore to check on us. No more yelling, no more scolding about asking for money or something. He is simply gone.  And is never coming back. I think it was several months after when that bitter realization sink in. Then the confusion came. I was confused about a lot of things for quite some time. I’ve been holding grudges to someone who wasn’t there anymore. I was looking for some kind of retribution or explanation as to why things are the way they were.  I couldn’t find any. As much as I’m scared of feeling his presence, I was/kept wishing he’d appear right in front of me and do some explaining. I kept expecting for him to just show up and speak. But it never happened. He never came. And I was still confused. I don’t know for how long that confusion went, I still think that until now, there are still things I haven’t let go. It affected the “me” in me.

For the past several months,  there’s been a lot of deaths.. the last one before this one.. has taken its toll on me. It kind of shook me real hard. I kept missing him. I kept thinking and wanting to be with him. The reality that he’s not coming back literally crushes me. I became a bit unstable. Then as I was trying to recover from that.. a call came in..

“Kayo po kasi ma’am ang in-case-of-emergency person sya. Kaya were calling to let you know and to ask for your decision para sa arrangements.”

Kapag maririnig mo yan sa telepono ng alas dos ng madaling araw. Galing ka sa mahimbing na pagkakatulog, disoriented na disoriented ka pa. Anong maiisip mo? It freaked me out. Ano daw? Ako ang nakalista sa incase of emergency nya? Bakit ako? Parang may kung anong bigat yung pag malamang mong in case na may mangyari sa isang tao, ikaw…ikaw ang tatawagan.. desisyon mo ang hihingin, ikaw ang mag-aasikaso, ikaw ang unang makakaramdam ng halo-halong emosyon na kaht kalian ay di mo gugustuhing maramdaman. Ikaw lang.

Pano ka ba magrereak sa panahong ganyan? Kalmado. Dapat dawn a kalmado ka sa tuwing tatanggap ka ng masamang balita. Nakakatuwang pakinggan na “kumalma ka lang”. Kase how can you possibly calm down after receiving that kind of news in the middle of the night? What are you suppose to say? What are you suppose to do? What are you suppose to feel? Expected bang umiyak ka? Necessity bang magkandakumahog ka sa pagpapaliwanag sa ibang tao? Kinakailangan bang bitawan mo lahat ng kung anu mang ginagawa mo ng mga oras na yun para asikasuhin ang isang bagay na ni sa hinagap mo eh hindi mo maiisip na responsibilidad mo?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ang in-case-of-emergency person nya. Ive a few ideas, but I’ll never be able to confirm them. Wala na sya. Hindi na babalik. Iniisip kong sa kabilang buhay ba may memorya pa ba sila ng mga naging buhay nila dito.

Sa totoo lang, ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Ang labo. Masyadong malabo ang dating saken ng kamatayan. BInabago ka nya sometimes in ways na hindi mo gusto, or minsan naman sa paraang hindi mo alam. Higit sa lahat, binabago nito ang pakiramdam mo. Mas lalo na kapag naka-atang sayo ang responsibilidad ng pagdesisyon .

Pagod na ko.

Sa susunod na may fill up-an ako at may tanong na ganun, hindi ko alam kung sino ang ilalagay kong tao sa “In Case Of Emergency, Contact.. blah-blah-blah” ko. Sana may requirement. Sana may panuntunan para mas madali…

Ikaw At Ang Tren

Sa istasyon ng tren. Lahat nasa anyo ng pagmamadali, mapa-umaga, hapon o gabi. Everybody's rushing.. Everyone's moving. Moving fast. You're left behind. Naupo ka sa upuang itinalaga para sa mga naghihintay ng tren. Naubos ang mga tao, umandar na palayo ang tren, naiwan ka.. nag-iisa. Nagdatingan na naman ang mga tao, different set of people na maghihintay kasama mo sa susunod na tren.. dumarami sila, nagmamadali. Tingin ng tingin sa relo, nagpapaypay, nagpupunas ng pawis. Lahat aligaga sa paghihintay sa pagdating ng sasakyang magsasalba sa kanila sa pagka-late sa kung saan mang lakad nila. Dumating ang tren. Nagsipagsakayan ang mga tao. Sumarado ang pinto. Umandar ulit ang tren. Naiwan ka na naman. Tumayo ka mula sa kinauupuan mo. Tumingin sa paligid. Tinitigan ang digital clock ng istasyon ng tren. Naisip mo maaga pa.  May oras pa. 


Anong hinihintay mo?


Ang susunod na tren. Yung maluwag. 


Walang dadaang tren na maluwag. Nasa gitnang istasyon ka sa buong ruta. Inaasahan mong may darating na sobra ang luwag na makakaupo ka? Nag-aaksaya ka ng oras. Ilang daang tao ang sumasakay ng tren araw-araw. Lahat me kanya-lanyang lakad, lahat me kanya-kanyang agam-agam sa buhay. Pero hindi ibig sabihin na lahat ng mga taong sumasakay sa tren eh katulad mong me hinihintay.


Hindi tren ang hinihintay mo. Pupusta ko ang buhay ko. Hindi ang pagdating ng isang tren na maluwag ang hinihintay mo. Mauubos ang oras sa buong maghapon sa pag-upo sa istasyon, sa pagmamasid sa mga taong nagkakandarapa sa paghabol sa tren, sa pagtingin sa digital clock, sa pagbibilang ng kung ilang taong nakacheckered na polo ang ang daraan sa harapan... magiging hapon ang umaga hanggang sa umabot sa gabi, pero hindi darating ang hinihintay mo.


Nasubukan mo na bang tanungin sa sarili mo kung ano o sino talaga ang hinihintay mo? Napag-isipan mo na kung may halaga ba ang paghihintay na ginagawa mo? Nagmumukha ka ng tanga, wala ka namang napapala. Subukan mong mag-apply na empleyado sa train station na tinatambayan mo, mag janitor ka! Ikaw ang magbukas at magsarado ng gate ng MRT/LRT.  Posibleng gawin mo yan pero pupusta pa rin ako na HINDI darating ang hinihintay mo.


Bakit?


Dahil naghihintay ka sa WALA....

Ilang tren na ba ang lumagpas sayo? Ilang tren na ang hinayaan mong lagpasan ka? Pinatigil ba ng digital clock sa istasyon ng tren ang mundo mo?


Subukan mo minsang tumayo at makipagsiksikan papasok sa loob ng tren. Subukan mong pausarin ang mundo mo. Wag mong hayaang habang buhay kang maghintay sa isang bagay na walang posibilidad na mangyari. What are the chances that you'll end up having what you want? Nil. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Walk away. Mag jeep ka na lang..  :)






***larawan mula kay Google***

There Goes My Baby

You can get tired. You can stop for a while to rest, to have your much needed break. But you can never stop completely. You're not allowed to quit. You're not allowed to give up. You've signed up for a lifetime role. You cannot let go. You can never walk away.

Let Me Tell You A Story...

Bata pa lang ako sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na hindi, hinding-hindi ko papayagan na maging second option ako. I told myself, I will never succumbed to borrowing happiness from others. I told myself that if and if I fall in love, it will be with someone who will not make me their second choice.

Si Papa, maraming babae. As in kilala sya ng lahat ng tao as 100% womanizer. Kung tama ang calculations ko, pang apat na pamilya kami. He was married once, Ive met my brothers and sisters from the other three families na nauna sa amin. Two of them kasama pa namin sa bahay as I was growing up.  Matapos sa amin, may mga sumunod pa, tipong “the list goes on and on and on” hanggang sa time of death nya, madami pang nagsulputang mga pamilya. Instant reunion ang nangyari sa libing ng tatay ko.  I grew up na nasa background lang ung pagiging tatay nya. He was never there during Christmas, bihira makapunta sa mga birthdays, father’s day? Anu yun? Sa mga family affairs sa school, walang anino ng tatay ko.  Okay lang, nasanay na rin ako.

Then I met JD. I was in my last year in college, living alone, away from my family. At that time, 3 years ng wala ang tatay ko sa face of the earth, my mom and younger sister decided to moved up North sa hometown ng nanay ko at dun na tuluyang manirahan. As I was already in college, I opted to stay. Ayokong magsimula ng panibago sa isang lugar na kahit kailan hindi ko naimagine na titira ako ng pangmatagalan. Si JD, easily charmed his way into my heart. He's 11 years older than me, doesn’t look his age though. (well most of my x’s were older than me) After just two months ng pagiging kami, he asked me to give up my apartment and move in with him. He was then living alone din. (Dapat lang naman diba? Imagine a 31 yr old guy still living with his parents, asan ang backbone? Lol) And so I did..Then I got pregnant. Dun na nagsimula maging kumplikado ang lahat. Hindi pa pala sya handa. (sabi nya) Dun ko lang din nalaman na, he’s married with one 7-year old kid living in Canada. Its been 7 years dawn a wala silang communication. May nabasa ako na if its more than 7 years, null and void na ung marriage nila. But I wasn’t so sure. Technically, kabit ako. Kahit na 24/7 na ako ang kasama ni JD, kabit pa rin ang labas ko dahil hindi siya sa akin kasal. After giving birth to JM, mas naging mahirap ang sitwasyon. Nagsimula syang maghanap ng #2, #3, #4 (and so on and so forth) na kabit. At dahil sa akin siya umuuwi, ako ang nagfee-feeling legal wife, ako ang nakakaramdam ng pang aagrabyado, ako ang nasasaktan. Took 3 kids, countless times ng pag aalsa balutan at 6 ½ years of living with him bago ko siya tuluyang naiwan. I was hopeful, I was clinging on to something that never was. I was a fool to believe in some fairy tale.

Pagkatapos ni JD, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi na ulit mangyayari na magiging pangalawang option ako. Hindi ko gugustuhing danasin ung pinagdaanan ng nanay ko, I swore to myself that I will never again feel ung mga paghihirap ng kalooban na inaabot ko kay JD.

“Gusto ko lang naman maging Masaya. Hinawakan ko lang naman ung makakapagpasaya sa akin, kasalanan ba yun?”

-          At the expense of others? Kahit alam mong may masasaktan kang iba?

 “Hindi ko kayang bitawan eh. Ayoko pa.”

-          Kahit nasasaktan ka na?  Kahit nahihirapan ka na? Kahit alam mong may nahihirapang iba nang dahil sayo?

When you know or in the situation wherein you are aware na ikaw ang third party, it is really exhausting. Not physically exhausting.Tas too much of the guilt feeling. It is emotionally-painfully exhausting. You hurt not just for yourself but also for those people na nasasagasaan mo in the process of loving, of simply being happy.. It is also exhausting to hate. To hate the person who made you feel the hate feeling. To hate yourself for deciding to do the “wrong” thing, to hate those people who tries/tried to judge you, to hate  the person na nasagasaan mo, to hate the fact that you’re hating. Literal na magulo ang mundo ng taong nanghihiram... magiging attached ka, or hahayaan mong totally ma-attached ka kahit na alam mong eventually you would have to return it back. Kase nga hindi sayo, meaning hindi pwedeng magstay sayo forever.  Darating yung time na kakailanganin mong bumitaw. Kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan, ikaw ang talo.. HIndi ka pwedeng magdemand ng panahon at oras nya, hindi ka pwedeng magfeeling na ikaw lang, kase in the first place hindi naman talaga ikaw, umekstra ka lang. Saling ket-ket ka lang, sooner or later kailangan mo ng mawala sa eksena. Kahit na alam na alam mong ganun ang ending, alam mong masasaktan ka sa bandang huli, still you chose to go through with it, still you decide to take the risk, still you let yourself fall too hard even though you know from the very start na there's no one to catch you incase you really fall. You let yourself jump without making sure there's someone who will jump with you, simply because you cant. You cant make someone thats not yours leap and take the plunge with you. 

***kasalanan ng movie na No Other Woman tong post na to.***

Prayers Answered

Nung bata ako, tinuruan ako na magdasal bago matulog at pag gising sa umaga. Sagrado katoliko ung pamilya ng nanay ko. Kapag umuuwi ako sa probinsya tuwing bakasyon, andyan ang angelus ng 12nn at 6pm. Ang Saturday evening at Sunday mass. Hindi pa kasama ang mga novenas. Walking distance lang kase ang simbahan sa bahay ng mga lola ko sa province. At dahil sa mga lolas ang kasama ko sa bahay, wala akong choice kundi ang sumunod. Sa bahay, sa totoong bahay naming kasama ang magulang ko, hindi gaano napapansin ang mga angelus at novenas pero inoobliga ako ng nanay ko na amgsimba tuwing lingo at magdasal bago matulog. Mga dasal ko? Nung batang-bata ako, the usual na angel of guard, my guardian dear… nung elementary years, naglevel up sa Our Father, Hail Marys and Glory Bes ang mga dasal ko. Lahat ng pinasukan kong school mula preschool hanggang college puro Catholic schools. Tinuturuan ng iba’t-ibang klase ng dasal para sa iba’t-ibang klase ng sitwasyon. One form of prayer and praising God daw ang singing praises. And since mahilig ako sa musika, I was into glee club mula elementary and highschool. Natututo ng iba’t-ibang mga awit tungkol sa Diyos. College, nawala ako sa choir/glee club, nagbago ang interest, hindi na rin ako nagsisimba tuwing lingo. I was away from my family nung college years kaya wala ng mangungulit or magagalit kapag hindi nakakasimba. Walang nagsesermon sa tuwing makakalimot magdasal paggising sa umaga. I was living my life the way I think it should be and the way I thought I wanted it to be. Living without prayers, living without faith. Naalala ko after college, nakakapagsimba na lang ako kapag nakakaattend ng kasal, binyag at kung anu-ano pa na may church activity/involvement. Kapag nakakasimba, I wasn’t really paying attention. Ligawin ang isip ko, maligalig.

At some point, I was aware that I stopped believing.  I started “sinning” (meron nga bang salitang ganyan?) I started lying, not to other people but to myself. Confused? No. Crazy? Definitely hindi. So, what the hell happened? What was the reason? IDK. I just knew and felt that I don’t have the capacity to believe in something I haven’t seen. I don’t have the ability to put my trust into my own faith. Faith. What is Faith? Ang alam ko lang na faith eh pangalan to ng classmate ko dati. Si Faith na matalino, mabait, friendly. Larawan ng isang mabuting Kristiyano. (lol) But seriously, What is Faith? I could go on and list several meanings of faith pero it wouldn’t mean that much kase alam naman nating lahat na ginugel ko lang ang ibig sabihin nun. But if you would ask me, to define it in my own words depending on my belief, then you wouldn’t be able to get any answer from me. Wala akong mabibigay na sagot dahil wala akong pinaniniwalaan.

Do I believe in God? Yes and No. Don’t try to ask me why cos I wouldn’t answer. Do I still pray? If you mean the traditional Our Fathers and others, NO, I don’t. Pero ung simpleng pakikipagusap ng isipan ko sa kung sino mang Higher Forces, then YES, I still pray. Maraming nagsasabi or nakapagsabi na sa akin na kaya daw nagkakandaleche-leche ang buhay ko (mga mismong salitang ginamit nila lol) is because I lack faith. Salat daw ako sa paniniwala/pananalig sa Kanya. Kaya daw hindi ako pinagpapala. No offense sa mga taong relihiyosong tunay. Hindi ang simpleng dasal ang sagot sa lahat ng problema sa mundo. Sa dami ng mga nagsisimba at nagdadasal araw-araw, sa Pilipinas pa lang, bakit hanggang ngayon baluktot pa rin ang sistema ng bansa? Sa dinami-dami ng mga nagdadasal, bakit marami pa ring mga batang palaboy, walang bahay, walang makain, walang kinabukasan?

Gusto ko ng malaking bahay, magarang kotse, magandang trabaho. Magdadasal ako. Bukas ba pag gising ko, meron na lahat ng gusto ko? Gusto kong maging Masaya, ipagdadasal ko na bukas magiging Masaya na ko. Naniniwala ako! I have faith in my faith. I have faith in my prayers. Pag gising ko bukas, kusang lalapit si happiness at happily ever after na ko.  Gusto ko ng bagong cellphone, magdadasal ako. Does it work that way? Does faith work that way? Sabi nila you just have to believe, you just have to have faith and everything will be as it should be. Ano ba ang dapat?

I know I’ve lost my faith. Faith in what? I don’t know. I’ve yet to discover. But losing faith doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life. I am living mine right now…. Its just funny kase with the way I live it, it doesn’t seem as if I’m really living it.. magulo? Hindi naman. For some, siguro malabo tong sinasabi ko. I’m just sayin… ano nga ba ang point ko? Faith isn’t something na tinutulak sa atin. Hindi ito isang bagay na ipinapabili sa atin sa tindahan para magamit natin. Its something that we get out of the life were living. 

I’m just glad I wasn’t named Faith by my parents, otherwise, magiging isa akong mantsa sa mga mabubuting taong pinangalanang Faith….

Random Me

CHEESY
- I'm a cheese person. Any food that has cheese in it, di ko palalagpasin.  Hindi ako madaling maumay sa macheese na food, sa taong ma-cheesy, dun ako nauumay. (Pero minsan cheesy din ako ahihihihi)


3 SETS
- Dito sa bahay, I always have 3 sets of sanitary napkins na  nakastock. (1) without wings, ginagamit ko lang pag nasa bahay ako - daytime. (2) with wings, ginagamit ko pag umaalis ako ng bahay, kapag lakad or something. (3) all nightie, pang gabi lang, ginagamit ko to kapag tulugan na.


NOVEMBER 1
- Nung sa Souther Tagalog Region pa kami nakatira, tuwing November 1, umuuwi kami ng Cavite City not just to visit the deadssss but the livingsss as well. Hindi kami nagpupunta sa sementeryo ng daytime, laging sa gabi, iwas bilad sa araw. Sa gabi, jampacked ang cemetery kase nga dun naglalabasan ang mga tao instead na sa araw.  Tatambay kami ng mga ilang oraS dun habang nakikichika ang mga oldies sa mga kapwa mga oldies, kami namang mga bagets (hindi ko na maalala kung sino ung mga nakakasama ko nung time na un) umiikot-ikot sa mga puntod at nangunguha ng mga melted candles at iniipon, binibilog at binebenta. After ng tambay sa cemetery, sa peryaan naman ang sugod namin, we usually stay until 1AM, pagkatapos nun uuwi na.
- Kapag naman hindi kami nakakauwi, sa bahay lang kami. Magluluto ng kung anu-anong kakanin. Naalala ko fave ko nun ang suman.. ung kamoteng kahoy na suman. Pero hindi kami gumagawa nun. Nanghihingi kami sa binibigyan kami ng kapitbahay namin. Usually ung mga may gata-gata something ang niluluto sa bahay. Tas from October 31- November 2, nagtitirik kami ng kandila at nagrorosaryo kami, isa sa morning at isa sa evening, feeling ko nun ang banal-banal ko.


MIRROR
- Hindi ako makapagbrush ng teeth ng hindi nakaharap sa salamin, parang iba ung pakiramdam, hindi komportable, may kulang. Pero kaya kong maglagay ng eyeliner ng walang salamin.. "de-feel" lang.


UTENSILS
- Meron akong paboritong spoon and fork na ginagamit kapag nasa bahay ako. As in ikinaiirita ko ng sobra kapag kainan na at makita kong wala dun ung spoon and fork na gusto ko dahil nasa hugasan at may gumamit na iba.
- Ayokong gumagamit ng plastic na baso. Hindi naman sa choosy ako. Kung nasa ibang lugar ako at yun lang ang pwedeng gamitin, ginagamit ko ng maluwag sa kalooban ko at walang bahid ng pag-iinarte ang nagaganap. Pero kung nasa bahay din lang ako, hindi ako gumagamit nun. Ayoko lang. Tapos.


PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
- Dati, may virtue pa ko sa lahat ng bagay, ngayon, napipili na lang. Pasensyosa akong nilalang. Dati, it takes a lot of effort para makainisan ko ang isang bagay, tao, hayop, lugar o pangyayari. Ngayon, text pa lang inis na inis na ko. Ngayon, text pa lang nauubos na ang pasensya ko.


VANITY
- Vain ako. (Pero hindi naman sobra di tulad nung gustong palabasin ng ibang tao dyan) Matagal ako maligo, dati mga isang oras ako sa banyo, nung may nagreklamo na friend ko kase madalas akong ma-late sa mga usapan at lakaran, nireduce ko sa 45minutes. When I had my tattoo, nareduce ko sya sa 20minutes. Ngayon nakakaligo na ko ng 15minutes na lang (pero hindi ako kumbinsido sa ligo-pato style na yun) Paminsan-minsan nakakaligo ako ng 5minutes. *eye roll*


CLOTHES
- Inaabot ako ng kung ilang minuto sa pagdedecide kung ano ang isusuot ko. Magbubukas ako ng closet ng 10AM, titigan ang mga damit ng ilang minuto, 10:15, nakatitig pa rin, 10:20 may hawak ng damit, nailabas na, 10:30 bibitawan sa kama may makikita ulit na damit na ilalabas, 10:35 may panibagong damit na ilalabas, 10:40 may mas magandang makikita at ilalabas. 10:50 finally! nakapili na ng isusuot, hitsura ng kama parang dinaanan ng bagyo, ang closet hinalukay ng sobra. DESTINATION? Sa market, mamamalengke =))


LISTS
- Mahilig ako sa mga lists. Pag mamalengke, bago umalis ng bahay gumagawa ako ng listahan ng dapat bilhin kapag nasa labas na ko, wala na yung listahan ko di ko na makita. Mga to-do lists sa bahay, matapos kong isulat, ididikit ko sa may pintuan ng kwarto, pag gising ko kinabukasan, makita ko, tatamarin ako.. "bukas na lang". Mga to-do lists sa buhay. Sa sampung to-do lists ko, 2 lang ang natatapos at nakukumpleto ko. Hmmmm makagawa nga ng listahan ng bibigyan ko ng regalo sa pasko hihihihi...

Walang koneksyon ang photo sa post o saken. Nakita ko lang bigla sa isang tumblr post, nakyutan ako kaya nilagay ko dito, i don't wanna flood my FB kaya dito na lang. (explanation much!)

One Summer Shower Part 2

It was a beautiful day outside. A clear sunny day with large white clouds formed in the sky. The perfect hot summer. The right amount of humidity made every scene slow and kind of sensual. Daryl sat at a small round table, his usual spot, with just the right parcel of sunlight at The Bay. Traffic whizzed by while lunch people went about their strolling. The sun felt really charming.

Life was incredibly good. And he knew it. He had everything he want. A beautiful and supportive wife who is also successful in her own business venture.  He had it all, a city he loved, a new novel. Daryl’s a writer. Everything felt good and much better now that his novel’s slowly blossoming, his characters were all coming to life.

“You know one of these days you’ll get sick and tired being married to a starving writer and you’ll say ‘I’m done! I’ve had enough.’ And will just walk out.” He had watched her face serenely as she shook her head and let out a sheepish smile in the warm sunlight four summer years ago. “You don’t look like you’re starving to me.” Smiled some more and lightly brushed her lips on his lips. “I love you, Daryl.” “You’re crazy! But I love you too.”  It had been a really bumpy summer for him. He hadn’t made a single cent with his writing in eight months. “Why am I crazy? Because I respect your kind of work? Because I think you’re a good husband even if you don’t work in some multi-million-billion company? So what? Who gives a damn about that shit? Do you? Do you miss it so much or are you just gonna use it to make things difficult for yourself for the rest of your life?”  There was a slight tinge of bitterness in her voice, mixed with anger.  “Why can’t you just enjoy what you are? Feel good about yourself and what you can do. A writer and a good one. You know sometimes its not all about the money. We don’t starve. We have more than enough. I’m happy and contented and I love you. Although sometimes you make me feel so mad.” A smile began to warm her face again as he leaned over and kissed her. She ran a finger slowly up the inside of his thigh, watching her with that quiet smile of hers, and it tingled all over.

He still remembered it. Perfectly.

Thinking of her made him smile as he watched people at the other tables. If Lizzie had been here they would’ve been laughing right now. She’d definitely be wearing something outrageous. Something that will make people look at her and be intrigued. Something that will make her more interesting. Thinking of her like that drew his attention to the woman in the straw hat a few tables away. He hadn’t seen her before. And he thought she was definitely worth seeing. On a hot sunny afternoon having consumed two bottles of beer which is just his limit to himself when out drinking alone, he could barely see her face.

She had slender arms and pretty hands with no ring. Meaning, single? Maybe. He watched her as she sip her drink through a straw. He felt a familiar tingle as he thought of his wife and watched the girl in that hat. It was a damn shame Lizzie wasn’t home. It was a day to go to the beach, and swim, and sweat and get covered with sand and rub your hands all over each other. The way the woman in the straw hat sensually moved her lips on the straw in her drink bothered him. It made him want Lizzie. Now.

To be continued…

One Summer Shower

She just stood there and so did he, until a broad smile began to take over his face. He looked like a tall, shy schoolboy, watching her and grinning, his eyes damp but no more so than her own. It was crazy—half a block of lawn between them and neither of them moved…she had to.. she came here to see him, to talk to him, not just stand there and gape at him and look like a total idiot. She walked slowly along the walkway, and he began to walk towards her too, the smile plastered on his face becoming wider and wider, and then suddenly, finally, at last, she was in his arms. It was Daryl. The Daryl she knew. It smelled like Daryl. It felt like Daryl, her chin fit in the same place on his shoulder. She was home.

“What happened? You look like a dork who haven’t combed in centuries.”

“I didn’t bother trying to look good, I came immediately so you could save me from this horrible mess I’m in.” She was having a hard time fighting back tears , but so was he, and still their smiles were like bright sunshine in a summer shower.

“Lizzie, you’re crazy.” He held her tightly and she laughed.

“I think I must be.” She was clinging to him tightly. He felt so damn good. She put a hand on his head and felt the silk of his hair. She would have known it blindfolded in a room full of men. It was Daryl. “God, you feel good.” She pulled away from him just to look at him. He looked fabulous. Skinny, a little tired, a little burnt and totally overwhelmed. There is a look of contentment in his face. A vision of peace. He pulled her close again and nestled her head on his shoulder.

“I couldn’t believe it when you started writing, I’d given up hope.”

She felt bad suddenly for the long months of silence, now looking at his face, she could see how much they must have hurt him. He held her at arm’s length and looked her over. He didn’t want to let her go. He was afraid she’d vanish again. He wanted to hold on to her, to make sure she was real. And back. And his. But maybe….maybe she had only come back to visit…to say hello…or say goodbye…His eyes suddenly showed the pain of what he was thinking, and Lizzie wondered what was on his mind. But she didn’t know what to say. Not yet.

And then the words began to rush out. She couldn’t hold back anymore. The dam had finally given way.

“Daryl, I love you. It’s all so lousy without you.” It sounded so corny, but that was what she had come to tell him. She was sure of it now. She knew what she wanted. And now it was a question of want more than need. She still needed him., but differently. Now she knew how much she wanted him.

To be continued..

Left and Right Options

Wala ng ibang option eh. Wala na kong ibang choices. Wala na., Last resort. It's either I go left or I go right. 







......ang hilig nating tumingin sa kaliwa at kanan lang.. ang hilig nating isipin na wala ng ibang pwedeng tingnan kundi kaliwa at kanan.. eh pwede naman ung north-south-west-east ang gamitin ko... pwede pa nga ang mga northwest-southeast... ang point? Sa bawat pangyayari, palaging may mga options, hindi tayo mauubusan ng mga options na pwede nating piliin. Maraming pwedeng maging options kung pipiliin nating magkaron....

Yung Akala Mo Yun Na Yun

Yung akala mo okay ka, hindi pa naman pala.


Yung akala mo ayos na lahat kase lumalabas ka, tumatawa ka, nakikipaginuman ka, sumasama-sama ka na sa iba, yun pala hindi naman.


Yung akala mo okay ka na kase ngayon hindi ka masyadong nag-iisip at nalulungkot, pero pag dumilim at at tumahimik na ang paligid, bigla kang aatakehin ng lumbay, hindi eh.. hindi ka pa okay.


Yung akala mo ayos ka na kase tipong looking forward ka sa mga lakad na magaganap sa mga susunod na araw/linggo/buwan, pero at the end of the day, iniisip mo pa rin na sana ganito-ganyan..


Yung mga moments na akala mo maayos at "matino" ka na kase ung ibang mga bagay na ginagawa mo nung mga panahong hindi ka ayos eh nagagawa mo na ulit, pero hindi mo naman pala sila ginagawa dahil gusto mo, ginagawa mo lang "just to let time pass", ginagawa mo lang para mapunan ung napakahabang empty spaces in between sa pang araw-araw na buhay mo.


Yung pag-aakala mo na kaya mong lokohin ang sarili mo sa pagpe-pretend na ayos ka lang, na kaya mo, na tapos na, na naka "move on" ka na (when there is no such thing as moving on only moving forward), yung sa sarili mo mismo alam mo na nagsisinungaling ka...


Yun, yun eh! Sampal sa katinuan mo! Panggising sa karuwagan mo na harapin kung ano man ung mga bagay na iniiwasan mo kaya ka nag-aakala...


FYI.. hindi ako yan.. ruma-random lang mula sa sala-salabat na kwento ng mga tao sa paligid. (defensive much?!) 

Random 02

• Third day ko na ng pagkain ng iba't-ibang klase ng pasta. One more day and magmumuka na kong noodle house I swear
• Sabi nung co-parent ko sa school kanina, "hala! buntis na naman ako!" it took me several seconds to reply, kase nalito ako whether to answer, "ah talaga? wow naman" or "hmm ganun? pano yan?" then I realized hindi naman kami close, tas feeling ko naghahanap lang sya ng mapapagsabihan, masabi lang ba, so I answered  "uy, another blessing! ayos yan."
• Had brunch with an old friend. (ex manliligaw actually)
• I might be having friends from Manila over the weekend (MpJin)
• May mga taong ginagawang teleserye yung buhay ko. Masyado silang nag eenjoy na subaybayan ang ang mga pangyayari saken. Para silang balita sa GMA 7, nakatutok 24 oras. Nakakaloka. 
• "Alam mo wala kang karapatang sabihing hindi ako masaya, hindi mo naman kase alam ang pakiramdam ng pagiging masaya ko, hindi mo rin alam kung anong ikinasasaya ko, iba't-iba ang ibig sabihin ng masaya para sa iba't-ibang tao, kaya kung wala kang magandang sasabihin na makakadagdag sa ikagaganda ng ekonomiya ng Pilipinas, I suggest you just keep your thoughts to yourself, S.T.F.U.!" (hindi ako galet)
• Unti-unti ng nabubuo ang Sagada plans.. Im soooo heksaytment! may mga bagong makakasama sa sagada trip. ahihihihi mas ang heksaytment level! Yey!
• I hate cross stitch. Isa sa pinakanakakatamad na gawain. Nung highschool pinagproject kame nyan, pinagawa ko sa iba =))
• I fall a little harder everytime we talk.

                                   

Untitled 02

Gusto kong maging writer. Gumawa ng script, mag imbento ng mga tauhan. Mga karakter sa isang kwentong pwede kong bigyan ng buhay. Tunay na buhay. Gusto kong gumawa ng buhay out of the life I have right now. Gusto kong magkaron ng magic wand na pwede kong iwasiwas sa mga tauhang magagawa ko out of pagsusulat para mabigyan sila ng tunay na buhay. Magkaron ng simula at ending ang mga karakter. Happy ending? Hindi. Naniniwala naman kasi ako na hindi happy ending ang lahat. Fairy tales doesn’t exist in real life. Tragedy? Pwede. Ang buhay ay puno ng mga fortunate and unfortunate incidents, na ang iba ay nagreresulta sa trahedya. May kakilala ko, gusto nya ng delubyo. Gusto nya ng may bagyo, ung bumabaha, ung mga sitwasyon na hindi normal sa pang araw-araw. Sa papaanong paraan nya gusto? Hindi malinaw sa akin. Pero minsan nabanggit nya na kapag daw kasi sa mga ganung sitwasyon, nagkakaroon ng pagkakataon na tipong tumitigil ang mga tao to really talk to each other. (tama nga ba ang pagkakaalala ko?) Naisip ko naman, kakailanganin pa ba ng unfortunate incidents, ng mga accidents, ng mga casualties, ng mga tragedies para lang mag usap ang mga tao? Kakaiba.

Gusto kong mag-isip tulad ng pag-iisip nya. Gusto kong maabot ang level of understanding na meron sya. Gusto kong maarok ang mga prinsipyo at ideals niya. Gusto ko siyang maintindihan. Gusto kong maging writer para maisatitik ko kung ano ang gusto niyang iparating. Kung ano ang gusto nyang maintindihan ko. Gusto kong maging isang mahusay na manunulat para maisulat ko ang mga sinasabi niya, para mabigyan ko ng kulay ang mga salita nya. Hindi ko kailangang maging isang pintor para makulayan ang bawat salitang namumutawi sa kanyang mga labi.

Gusto kong makita ang mga bagay na nakikita niya. Gusto kong Makita ang mga ito sa kung paanong nakikita ng kanyang mga mata. Gusto kong maliwanagan sa mga bagay na para sa kanya ay madali lamang intindihin.

Pero kailanman ay hindi ko gugustuhing maging siya.

Hindi siya writer. Hindi siya pintor. Hindi rin sya fairy god mother na may magic wand. Wala syang kakayanang baguhin kung ano ang nakatakda. Wala syang abilidad na kulayan ang mga bagay na sadyang walang kulay. Hindi niya kayang magsulat ng mga bagay-bagay sa labas ng paniniwala niya.

Hindi siya isang karakter sa mga kwento na gusto kong buuin. Hindi siya tauhan sa isang short story na nabuo ng isip ko. Hindi siya kasali dun sa buhay na gusto kong buuin out of the life I have right at this very moment.

Siya lang naman ung taong gusto ko.

Gusto ko sya. No questions asked. No explanations offered.  

Ikaw, alam mo ba ang gusto mo?

Quota Na Pag-ibig

“Me  quota ang pag-ibig. Sa bawat limang umiibig, isa lang ang magigig maligaya. Ang iba, iibig sa di sila iniibig. O iibig nang di natututo. O iibig saw ala. O di iibig kailanman.”

Tumingin ka sa palibot, sa mga kaibigan mo, kaopisina..Ilan sa kanila ang tunay na Masaya?

Relative naman ang pagiging Masaya.

Excuse ng malungkot.

Ang iba’y iibig sa ,aling panahon, umibig noong 1980s, nakipagmartsa sa mga aktibista, pero ang taong nakatakda para sa kanya nabuhay nuong 1930s, isang rebelled laban sa mga Amerikano, matagal nang namatay.Kaya she keeps falling inlove sa lalaking mas matanda sa kanya, hinahanap sa kanila ang di mahanap na wala, hindi mapagtagpo ang kahapon at ang kasalukuyan.

May mga pusong pinaglalaruan. Nasa parehong building ng call center but they will never realize that they are on the same floor. Maski parang laging may strange force na humihila sa kanila para tumingin sa kabila ng building. Kailanman ay di sila magtatagpo. Tanungin man sya ng boyfriend nya kung ano yung lagi niyang tinitingnan sa kabila ay di nya masasagot. At kailanman ay di na nya malalaman dahil eventually ang lalaki ay lilipat sa ibang lugar, at siya, hanggang sa mamatay, ay din a niya malalaman kung sino nga ba yung nasa kabila.

Merong pinalad na nagkakilala, nagkaibigan at nagsama. Pero sa di malamng dahilan ay iniwan ng babae ang lalaki. Mabubuhay ang lalaki sa walang hanggang paghahanap. Mari-realize niya na ang pag-ibig ay laging paghahanap. Pero hindi niya kailanman mahahanap ang babae dahil ang tutong hindi nya mahanap ay ang kanyang sarili.

Merong away nang away kapag magkasama pero hindi naman kaya ang magkahiwalay. Merong nagmamahal lamang kapag nananakit. Merong relihiyon ang humaharang, o katayuan sa buhay, o mga magulang. Merong sila mismo ang gumagawa ng harang.

Merong umiibig na habang nagtatagal ay lalong nawawalan ng IQ. Merong pag-ibig ay napupundi dahil ang 4 out of 5 senses, touch lang ang natitira. Merong sa tingin sa pag-ibig ay tali. Merong di makahakbang dahil sa pag-ibig at meron naming hindi makalipad Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay hapunang walang sawsawan. 

Merong pag umiibig ay nahaharap sa salamin, sarili ang sinasamba. Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay parusa.

Pero merong isa sa lima, harangan mo man ng kulog, ng mga ganid, ng lindol, ng teknolohiya, mahahanap niya ang kanyang mahal. Siya lang ang magiging maligaya.

Fate?

*Para Kay B - Ricky Lee*

Photocredit: Google